One loaf of granary breast please!

Why can’t people just say things properly, I often think. What is wrong with them? And then I come out with something ridiculous like ‘fat-ee-goo,’ which is how I thought ‘fatigue’ was pronounced when I was younger. Or ‘die-nasty’ instead of dynasty. The following is a collection of things that I’ve heard other people say to me or that I’ve said by accident on text messages because of that damned predictive text which inevitably catches us all out.

“Cappuccarno” = cappuccino. Had this woman been living in a cave? She must be the only person in the world who hasn’t heard of, or doesn’t know how to say cappuccino properly.

“Blonde” = blondie (for those of you unfamiliar with a blondie, it’s a brownie, but made with white chocolate). The man asking for the “blonde” didn’t seem to notice that he’d made our lovely friendly deli sound like a brothel.

“Pomegent” = pomegranate. As in “Can I get some of that lovely salad with the pomegent in it, please?” Madness. Had she been calling it that her whole life? Had no-one corrected her?

“Palaver” = pavlova. For example, “That looks nice. Is it a strawberry palaver?”

“Tan-geen-ee” = tagine. The man saying this had a self-assured I’ve-travelled-and-can-handle-foreign-pronunciation air about him, which was a shame and he was getting it drastically wrong.

“Beans” = bins. This happened at a coffee shop where I worked a few years ago. The new girl had been told to make sure she threw the ‘bins’ out each evening before she left her shift. It was almost a week later when we realised that she had been wholesale throwing away all the perfectly fine unused coffee ‘beans’ she could lay her hands on!

“Breast” = bread. This is a predictive text thing which happens to me quite often. More times than I care to remember, I’ve sent a text message to my manager telling her, “Need to order another sliced granary breast for tomorrow.”

“Man” = Mum. I got in the habit of calling my Mum, “Mam” and occasionally I’d send a message without making sure I’d checked the word, so appearing to have adopted an American-esque cool-dude speak. “Hi Man, I’ll be over in a few hours. See you then.”

“U” when trying to say I. This always happens when I’m trying to say something about myself which is quite rude when accidentally directed at the receiver. “U look so tired and haggard today.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: