Evil cows, Peppa Pig brides and handy tips

It’s that time again, everyone! Time to delve into our favourite magazine! That’s right, Chat! I know you’ve all come to love Chat and probably have a subscription to it so I don’t really need to go over this week’s best stories, because you already know them. But for the few who haven’t yet joined the Chat party, here’s the lowdown this week.

The main headline today is:

That’s it. Straight to the point. Evil cows! “Hang em!” said a friend, in true Chat spirit. It just seems a little juvenile, calling someone a ‘cow’. That’s what you’d call the other girls in school when you were 14 years old and they’d been spreading rumours about you.

Well anyway, there’s always the obligatory ‘I fell in love but she/he fooled me’ story in Chat and these aren’t much different. One is a woman who pretended to have kids and look after the guy’s ill mum but she didn’t really have any and she was buying a load of stuff with the mum’s credit card. (The story has a Shock Factor of 9.8, so you know it must be serious!) The second one was a woman who got married 14 times and stole stuff from each person then buggered off. Pretty standard. This second story is called ‘Behind The Big Crime!’ I feel like maybe that’s been overplayed, don’t you? The ‘Big Crime’? If they were talking about solving the mystery behind Ted Bundy’s murders, or finally arresting and charging John Wayne Gacy or the Yorkshire Ripper perhaps, I’d see what they meant. But a bigamist who stole a few thousand dollars? The ‘Big Crime’? I think they might have gone a bit overboard there.

The standard ‘I was fat but now I lost weight and my life is better’ story came from the ‘Real Life’ section of the magazine. Wait a minute – isn’t it ALL real life? That’s the point, surely? Anyway, back to the story. A woman talks about meeting a man, loving takeaways, stuffed crust pizzas are her fave, she loves chips, she loves chocolate, she loves noodles, she eats lard for dinner and drinks it down with oil, etc etc. She gets married, she feels great, she feels happy, she loves lard etc etc. And then the wedding photos arrive and….

Now, she’s pretty massive in the pictures. She tells us she weighed 15 stone. And she hadn’t noticed she was big, she says. Well, I’m not saying anything, just that when I hit 11 stone, I noticed! Anyway, then she joined Slimming World and twenty years later, she’d dropped to 14 and a half stone. Yeh! Woop woop! No, it was a year later and she dropped to a reasonable size.

There are some handy tips in the ‘Blimey! That’s Clever!’ section, that I want to share with you, to help you around the house. One is that if you wear one of your rubber gloves out faster than the other, turn the other one inside out and it will go on that hand. You’d have to wear through two pairs though, wouldn’t you? To have two left ones and no right ones, so you could do this. And to be honest, who does enough washing up to wear through two whole gloves?? You’d have to be storing your one old left one for ages, to wait for the new right one to wear through and throw away so that you could revive your old left and turn it inside out. A pair of Marigolds is only about a pound, it’s not like you’re saving a load of money by storing your one dirty old glove in the cupboard, waiting to use it again. I don’t even use Marigolds actually. I’m tough.

Another tip, called ‘Easy Squeezy’ tells us to use a rolling pin when the toothpaste is almost finished, to get the last few dregs out. Again, I brush my teeth upstairs and have my rolling pin downstairs. It’s very unlikely that I’m going to run downstairs with my toothpaste to roll it out on the table and then go back upstairs to get one last little bit out to brush my teeth with. What’s a lot more likely to happen, is that I’ll chuck that tube in the bin and open the new one. Not saying it’s a rubbish tip. Just saying I’ll never do it.

PS. I think Chat have been reading my blog! Remember when I wrote a story to send in to Chat? Called Asparagus Fingers? Well, if this advert for next week’s Chat isn’t a total rip off of my story, then I don’t know what is!

There is also this story coming next week. It’s not really to do with anything I’ve talked about. I just thought you might like to see it.

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7 responses to this post.

  1. Note to self: buy rolling pin.

    Rolling pins are cheaper than toothpaste, right?

    Can’t believe they’ve ripped your asparagus story off. It’s coz they know you can’t dial the number to complain on the phone!

    Reply

    • Yeh, rolling pins are the way forward. I can’t believe you don’t have one. They’re basic bathroom equipment. I’ll get those asparagus story stealers! I’ll just kick them in the face. Or something similar which doesn’t require hands.

      Reply

  2. Ah, more proof that I wish I were British. Our smut in the US doesn’t hold a candle to your smut in the UK. 😉

    Reply

    • O no! This distresses me. Everyone should have access to a random quite-rubbish magazine whose readership seems to average 70 years old! Think about starting one up. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to update you on the best stuff from here.

      Reply

  3. I’d be worried if I found a rolling pin in the bathroom I used to read chat years ago and it wasn’t like this..well at least I don’t think so.

    But all these evil women who marry just to get appliances and holiday’s, people who say they are dying to get holidays and sympathy, then a week alter spouse forgives them.

    Who are these people, that live these lives of total lack of self awareness, their ambition to get on the Jeremy Kyle show:))

    Reply

  4. […] About LazyLauraMaisey « Evil cows, Peppa Pig brides and handy tips […]

    Reply

  5. Yeh, it’s the magazine version of Jeremy Kyle basically! You’ve hit the nail on the head there. I feel like a lot of magazines have got unashamedly exploitative over the years. But it’s hard to tell whether that’s really happening, or whether I’ve become more aware of it the more I grow up?

    Reply

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