Wedding goats and dog training

Ok. It’s time to revisit everyone’s favourite magazine again. That’s right. Chat. The best magazine in the world. I shall now prove this by sharing some of the amazing titbits I found inside this week’s offering.

Firstly, I had to buy it when I saw it because in the top left hand corner were the words ‘You’ve goat to be kidding me.’ I just knew it was going to be amazing. Sure enough, when you flip to the back page, there’s a picture of a lady in a wedding dress with some goats on leads and the words ‘Me and the kids.’ The goat puns don’t stop there though. There’s a picture of the bride with her bridesmaids and goats, with the caption ‘Say (goat’s) cheese everyone!’

The story is about a woman who works at an animal rescue centre and loves the goats. The way she talks about them in the article is hilarious. She says to her fiance one day, ‘I met a wonderful goat at the centre today.’

She met a goat? She met it? Really? As though she was at her local, having a pint, and she saw someone also alone, so sidled over and gave it her best chat-up line. Then came home and said she’d met a wonderful goat.

Anyway, fiance proposes, they’re planning the wedding. By this point she’s ‘met’ another really great goat called Geoff. She says to fiance she wants the goats involved in the wedding – ‘I want Geoff to be ringbearer and Fuschia to be maid of honour – no butts!’ She then tells us about getting big gold satin bows for the goats and little thingys for their hooves and finishes off by saying, ‘Yes, it’s an odd love story, mine and Martin’s. But you know what? I bleatin’ love it that way!’ Fabulous.

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Ok, another great story is a little short one at the end. The basic outline goes like this – my daughter is 14, I like her hair long so she’s never ever had it cut, she decided the other day to get it all cut off, look, here it is her cut-off hair. Fascinating stuff.

One of the letters written in to the problem page is pretty good. It’s about something really serious. A real problem that is unable to be resolved through any other channels. Good job Chat is here to help people who have real emergencies…. ‘I’ve got two cats. My partner has a dog. We’ve just moved in together but his dog hates one of my cats. He snarls and chases her whenever he sees her. How do we resolve this?’

And the advice? Tell the dog ‘No!’ when he starts chasing the cat.

Phew! Thanks, Chat! They’re so helpful. If it weren’t for them, how would Frances, 40, have ever worked out what to do when the dog is chasing the cat around. I imagine her sitting on the sofa, blankly staring at the dog chasing the cat around the front room and thinking, in despair, ‘I’m sure there’s something I should be doing here to prevent this from happening. I just can’t think what it is. I know, I’ll write to Chat.’ She buys Chat the following week, eagerly flips to the letters page and there it is, the answer to all her problems! At last! She can hear the dog growling and chasing the cat in the back garden and she runs out there, Chat in hand, a light switch has gone on in her world. She sees the dog and the cat and yells ‘NO! NO!’ The dog looks up, surprised. What is this word he’s never heard before? Something tells him he’s being shouted at. He slopes off to hide somewhere and the cat potters away, free from the constant torture, happy at last. Frances’ world is transformed. Chat has saved her. Thank god for Chat.

Another letter is the ‘Facebook photo of the week’ which is just of a little boy in swimming trunks. He’s just standing there in his trunks, smiling. Nothing to merit being photo of the week. His name, we are told, is Noah-Freddie. Poor child.

Ok, one last bit of amazingness for you. A top tip. Are you ready? This could really help you at home actually, transform your life even. Ok. Here goes.

Use a peice of dry bread to clean your lampshades.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Alex Jones on August 21, 2012 at 21:18

    Where would the world be without Chat?

    Reply

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