Rubbish captions, boobs on the loose and wellies on hangers

I can’t wait to show you guys what is in Chat this week. It’s got some real gems. Firstly, the obligatory animal photo inside the front cover with some extremely weak puns.

This time the pun is ‘he’s going bananas!’ And I am then asked ‘orang-you jealous?’ Poor. Even for Chat, that’s poor.

Then the worst man-to-woman transvestite photo I have maybe ever seen in my entire life.

I’m sorry if you are reading this and you recognise yourself. But really now. A little bit of work needs doing on that get-up.

Then we have some photos of things that no-one cares about apart from the people who sent them in – a girl and a dog, someone on their wedding day, a carrot that looks like a pair of legs, someone’s cat, someone’s granny etc etc.

Then my personal favourite, the ‘Blimey! That’s clever’ page. The top tips are fabulous, as ever. The best one is this. It’s basically, store you wellies upside down on a hanger.

There’s no real reason why, apart from it saves space. Does it? Does hanging a pair of wellies on a wall which looks, from what I can see, quite silly, really saving so much space that it’s worth it? I’d rather just have a little less room on the shoe rack and keep the wellies there, thanks.

Another tip is, keep the little dregs of paint in a small jar rather than in the tin it came in. It’s not even worthy of a response, is it?

A bit later, there is a story about a little boy who didn’t have a belly button. I don’t know why. I dost read the story. My eye was immediately drawn to the inset photo and the caption…

There is also an info box about a condition called bladder exstrophy. The title says ‘What is bladder exstrophy?’ This is followed by the words, “This congenital defect affects around 1 in 50,000 births and is more common in boys than girls, and the risk of having a second child with the condition is approximately 1 in 10. The problem occurs somewhere between the 4th-10th week of pregnancy.”

So I’m sorry, what’s bladder exstrophy again? I’m still none the wiser. That info box contained zero ‘info.’ If I find out I’ve got it and I rush to grab my nearest copy of Chat, something I do whenever a crisis occurs in my life, then I’ve actually no idea what’s wrong with me or what to do.

Next is an atrocious photo of a woman who’s had loads of surgery on her body, yet still can’t make sure her boob fits in her bikini before she has her photo taken for a magazine.

The next thing, which might make some of you laugh is a reference to the a previous time we checked in with Chat. Do you remember the story of the odd unsettling horror dolls a lady was collecting and sending as gifts? A lady has written a letter in to Chat to say she also has a collection of horror dolls and felt a real connection when reading the story. Fab.

The recipe this week is bangers and mash. O, sorry, that’s wrong. It’s actually called ‘Sausage Mash-Up!’ Cause they is well cool, innit.

Lastly, we finish on a disturbing story about a woman who collects rubber ducks. There is a huge, rather unflattering photo of 43 year old, slightly overweight Charlotte, in a bath surrounded and covered by some of her ducks. From her little naked knees poking out among the ducks, I think we are supposed to believe that she is naked and that it is an arousing thought. It is not arousing. Not at all.