C is for….

I’m handing over to Rambler5319, my midweek guest blogger for the letter C.

 

CHUCKLE!

The following puns (1-24) are courtesy of Jay McGuire (a contributor to a weekly shipping newlsetter called BowWave):=

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

 

4  A rubber – band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because

it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

 

7  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

 

13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

 

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

 

20. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

 

21. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

 

22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ,

‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

 

23. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root – canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

24. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least

one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

<>————————-<>————————–<>

 

Man goes to a pet shop and buys a hamster.

Next day the guy rings up the pet shop.

 

[ring ring] “The hamster you sold me has died.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Look, I’ll tell you what to do. Put a pan half full of water on the stove and call me when it’s boiling.”

 

[ring ring] “OK. It’s boiling.”

“Add two pounds of sugar and ring me when it’s dissolved.”

 

[ring ring] “The sugar’s dissolved.”

“OK. Put the hamster in and keep it simmering. Call me when it’s fallen apart.”

 

[ring ring] “OK it’s fallen apart.”

“Now chuck it out the window because it’s no good to anyone.”

 

Time passes……..

 

[ring ring] “You’re not going to believe this. There’s a flower-bed full of daffodils under the window.”

 

“You bet I don’t believe it. You should get tulips from hamster jam.”

 

<>————————-<>————————–<>

 

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he

throws the fish into the lion’s cage.

 

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Unamused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He’s really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion’s cage.

 

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can,squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion’s cage, because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says “What’s the food like in here?” The other lion says:. . . . . .Wait for it . . .

“Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees”

And finally:

 

“Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

 

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about

using cold water to clean.

 

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very

secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

 

However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”

 

His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water

can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”

 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

 

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared

to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried

egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

 

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny,

those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now

don’t you fret; I don’t want to hear another word about it!”

 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl,

and wouldn’t let him pass.

 

John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get

to my car”.

 

Without diverting his attention from the football game he

was watching on TV, the old man shouted. “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

 

———————————–

 

Well hope it worked. Hope you had a chuckle at some of these!

 

——————————-

 

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2 responses to this post.

  1. 🙂 🙂 🙂 lol lol lol lol lol

    Reply

  2. Fun for a Friday afternoon 🙂

    Reply

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