Cement Face, clip fan and new numbers

Continuing on from yesterday’s post, we’re entering the world of Chat again.

Before we embark on any of the actual stories, I’d just like to list some of the names mentioned in this week’s magazine. People love sending stories or pictures of their children and I fear something has happened to the new mothers of today, something called Crazy Naming. It’s like they’ve randomly picked out some letters from the dictionary and stuck them together to make a word and written it on the birth certificate. And even when fairly regular names are used, there’s a real thing for double barrelling. We must double barrel! These are just a few….

Kaly-raine
Modlen (female, by the way)
Dayton Rae
Ella-May
Amy Rose
Roman
Olivia Grace
Harley
Darcie
Willow
Sharonesme
Kimbalee
Leigh-Catherine

And with the scene set, in we go. First up, we have Concrete Face Lady.

image

Yep. Actual concrete. In her actual face. In fact, it was a mixture of cement, tyre sealant, mineral oil and glue. In her face. She was born a boy but lived as a transexual and wanted the plastic surgery to have womanly cheek bones and a more feminine shape to her body. The cement nonsense mixture has also been injected in her boobs, hips and bum, where they have now gone lumpy but the doctors can’t remove them because it has solidified around the  nerves, tissue and blood vessels so can’t be removed. Yeh. Being a boy doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?

Next up, everyone’s favourite page – the ‘Blimey! That’s clever’ page. And what have we here?

image

O, it’s just some settings on an oven, you’re probably thinking. Well! Let me tell you! It is not just some settings on an oven!…

Actually, yeh, it is. They had faded away so she got some more sticky numbers and stuck them on. That’s it. That’s the tip. When the numbers on your oven settings fade, put some more on.

That wasn’t really even a tip, was it? That was nonsense.

Let’s try another one.

image

Store your hair clips on a fan. Firstly, who has this many hair clips?! Secondly she says this clipping technique ‘stores them in one place and looks pretty.’ And looks pretty?! Really? You decide.

Lastly, this.

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Keep toilet roll tubes and put wires in them with a label on. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with this, as such. But it’s not really the ground breaking life changing rocket science I’m always expecting when I look at these pages. We’ve cut down trees to produce this magazine! I need to feel there was a decent reason why we did that.

I guess the whole of Chat magazine overrides that idea.

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6 responses to this post.

  1. How do you actually pronounce Sharonesme? Im sitting here having great difficulty getting the word out. But its true, currently there is an issue with the way people name their children…it hurts me. Its as if they got a big bowl of alphabet spaghetti and chose random letters, “ah Xzosbkdayy is a great name for a child”, ok I know im exaggerating, but really parents, John and Anna are wonderful names too. Rant over 🙂

    Reply

    • I’m behind this, Bianca! What’s wrong with the name Laura or Sophie or Hannah. Or even Jaglejeet Dohooleywooley? That’s a perfectly run-of-the-mill normal name. Use it, people!

      Reply

  2. I agree with pretty much all you said. However, the toilet tube idea is one I have used and am so glad you reminded me of it. I have an entire box full of cords and cables. It would have been and might be possible to fix it up so I remember what is what.
    Scott

    Reply

  3. Perhaps they should have a page on a 1001 uses for their Chat magazine, thus to make it worth the loss of trees who sacrificed their lives in its name.

    Reply

    • They definitely should have. You could use a few to stop cold air coming into the gap under the front door. You could put it in the cat litter tray. There’s loads of things you could do with it!

      Reply

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