Bum parties, dustbins and babies

It’s time to take a peek inside our favourite magazine again. You’ve all been hanging on the edges of your seats, waiting for me to post about Chat, haven’t you?

Firstly, I like to flip through and have a quick look at the names of the people who write in, just so we can get an idea of what we’re dealing with here.

Sali (no common-or-garden Sally here)
Apryl (again, just too cool to spell in the normal way)
Danye (a girl, apparently)
Marketa (dunno)
Cerri (Kerry would just be far too ordinary)
Maddison and Summer (I guess mum Kim felt like her name was too boring so she made up for it with her daughters)
Jase (cause Jason is sooo last year)
Lorren (who wants Lauren when you can have Lorren)
Elin (cooler than Ellen by a mile)
Tucker (dunno)

Ok, let’s get stuck in. Let’s get straight to the lady with no hands and feet, which reminds me of my favourite joke when I was 18 – “Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms and no legs.”

image

Apryl hated her ‘pancake bum’ we are told, wanted J-Lo’s booty, decided to go to a pumping party. For yes, that is what it is called. A pumping party. Dodgy doctors go to people’s houses and inject bathroom sealant in their bums, woop woop!

Crack open the champagne, put on some old school tunes and get this party started! Whip out your bums, everyone! Let’s stick some sealant in them!

Over the next few years, her bum skin blackened and got itchy and a hole developed in the right bumcheek. Mmmm, hot.

Anyway, the rest of the story is pretty much; gangrene set in, feet and hands got chopped off, she did a triathlon, she regrets the bum filler now, wants everyone to know they shouldn’t do it either.

Next story, a dog rips a lady to shreds and she dies.

image

Next, the baby page. There’s a picture of a baby in a bird costume. He looks pretty bored/tired. ‘My son Rhys loved dressing up as a birdie for the night!’ says the caption. Really, now. Ridiculous. He loved it?! How do you know? Did he tell you? Little 1 month old Rhys who eats, sleeps and poos and doesn’t know his face from his rear end yet? He loved it, did he?

Next up, the human dustbin.

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Do I need to say anything or does the photo say it all?

And that, my friends, is quite enough for a Monday, I feel.

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12 responses to this post.

  1. Chat is getting scary.

    Reply

  2. In tears at this! loved it! 🙂

    Reply

  3. Offensive on so many levels. Chat hurts me looool x

    Reply

  4. Why can’t we have this in America? Oh right, because we already have Texas an Florida.

    Reply

  5. Posted by pamasaurus on September 2, 2013 at 22:53

    I always love your posts about this magazine. I cannot stop laughing!!

    Reply

    • Yeh, I think it must have been written by a genius. Only someone extremely clever could have worked out such a great formula to appeal to the trashmag reading public.

      Reply

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