Operation World Takeover

For the past few weeks, I have been caught up in something which is now being referred to (by me) as Operation World Takeover. This post aims to give advice to anyone who is also planning a world takeover and feels they would benefit from some friendly tips. 

 

1. Start at the beginning. A world takeover needs a website, probably. You are unlikely to get far in spreading your world takeover message without a website. 

 

2. Websites do not create themselves. When talking to people about the creation of a website, they will say things like, “So do you have your SEO sorted?” and “Do you know a bit of CSS or are you going to use HTML?” You will not know what they mean. You will smile awkwardly. They will direct you to youtube videos that talk you through creating things that look like this:

div:id>__<leftnav.0001> menu.tab

You will try, in vain, to make this seem normal and understandable. You will then resort to websites where you don’t need this CSS nonsense. It’s dragging and dropping and inserting image. This you can do. Huge sigh of relief. 

 

3. Whilst creating your website, you will start staring at fonts and images for lengthy periods of time. You will stop in the street when you see a builder’s poster thing on some scaffolding and assess how the colours interact with each other and how the size and choice of font have portrayed the message to you. You will spend a lot of time looking around on the internet at other websites and trying to work out what makes it look more/less professional.

 

4. When unsure of whether to choose this font or that, your guide will be, “What would the Queen like?”

 

5. You will discover, on your website building travels, that there are a million hundred ways to display a gallery on your website. And most of them are unsatisfactory.

 

6. Whilst building your website, you will become obsessed with idea of making business cards. What world takeover would be complete without business cards? You will look at a few different sites before discovering the ultimately amazing and exciting Moo.com with their beautiful website and hundreds of ideas for equipment needed in world takeover missions. You will spend hours, and I mean hours, tweaking, cutting, pasting, enlarging, realigning little tiny letters and pictures to make a lovely professional-looking business card. You will then discover the Luxe business card and decide you have to have it or you might die. The Queen would love this business card! I must have it! You then discover the mini business card, the mini business card holders, the leather mini business card holders and the greeting cards. You toy with the idea of making Christmas cards, mugs and calendars. You see your website and business cards and calendars in every home across the world, especially in the Queen’s house. In fact, she will have a calendar for every room in her castle. 

 

7. You decide your life will only be complete once you have created a postcard portfolio set that you can send to everyone who is important so that they agree to help with your world takeover. 

 

8. Thinking ahead to a time when business cards and websites are all fully functional, you plan events. Friends who have places for events and who like you enough to say yes are useful in this stage. You will call the event a ‘launch’ and struggle to control the flutter of excitement in your tummy every time you say it.

 

9. This ‘launch’ will jet propel you into conversations you would previous just smile and nod at. When friends start discussing their glamorous lives and/or films they’re working on or anything of that type, you can now go, “O, did I tell you we’re having the launch in January? Where? Just at a little place on the hill, you probably wouldn’t know it. It’s super exclusive. I’ll give you an event card next time I see you. Ciau ciau!” You may kiss the air on either side of all your friends faces and flounce off, if you feel it necessary for the general message of cool you are now exuding. I think the Queen would want you to.

 

10. You may rename yourself for your business card, should you wish. In fact, it is actively encouraged. Whoever knew of a world takeover by a ‘Laura Maisey, Cake Girl’ or ‘Laura Maisey, Coffee Maker’? Ridiculous. The idea is preposterous! (I say ‘preposterous’ now, because I am getting my vocabulary ready for the meeting that the Queen is sure to call me and ask for.) So you may become ‘Laura Maisey, World Leader’ or ‘Laura Maisey, Queen’s BFF’ or even ‘Laura Maisey, A-Maisey-ing’ should you wish to have a little humour about your world takeover. At the very least, you should have ‘Laura Maisey, CEO,’ on your business card. Give it some thought. And remember, always ask yourself what the Queen would like to see on a business card.

 

Here endeth the lesson. Go forth and take over the world, my minions.

 

P.S. Always make sure that you have something good to take over the world with. It’s no good trying to take over with a chocolate bar. Plus, everyone would get drunk at the launch and eat it. And then where would you be, hey? 

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10 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Alex Jones on October 22, 2013 at 07:57

    If you are able to create an artificially intelligent chatbot, it can run your website for you, then it can take over a few other important computer sites, including the US missile launch systems; then one day you get a nice e-mail message from your AI chatbot that you are now declared Empress of the World by the United Nations after it has nuked a few places such as Texas.

    Reply

  2. Posted by racheve on October 22, 2013 at 09:00

    My mum is currently planning her own world take over, later today I am going and collecting her business cards, leaflets and headed paper, I am now a little concerned at the outcome as not once did we consider ‘what would the queen think’ I hope that it doesn’t effect how successful her launch is going to be. shucks.

    Reply

    • Yeh. You gotta have the queen in the back of your mind. Don’t worry though. Give her some thought from now on ans the rest of your world takeover should go smoothly.

      Reply

  3. These are good steps. I’m sending this to my sister she is taking over the world in Colorado.

    Reply

  4. One of my favorite posts ever. Also, from now on, I will most certainly be asking myself, “What would the queen do?” Most certainly.

    Reply

    • Well, of course. I can’t believe this hasn’t been your rule of thumb in life so far. It’s certainly mine. When I was little I made plans about how to become the queen. Basically I would get captured by a baddie and it would become a matter of state urgency. I would get rescued by someone and they would take me to the queen’s house, where I would get a job as a cleaner, then the queen would adopt me. Yes, adopt me. Then she’d die and I’d be the queen. Simple.

      Reply

  5. […] world takeover will begin in less than a week. It is occupying most of my brain space, especially the space that […]

    Reply

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