No, Michael, sometimes it’s not a beautiful day

I’ve got this thing about Michael Buble. I can’t cope with him. I can’t cope with his endlessly cheery face and his insistence that he’s totally in love with me, even if he hasn’t met me yet. I’m glad he knows that some day it will all work out and that he’s having a beautiful day and that he’s feeling good and that he has a Christmas album full of love and cheery things and smiles and….. bleeeeurh. 


Sorry, I just vomited. 


“I can’t stop myself from smiling…. Let me tell you all the reasons why I think you’re one of a kind… And I’m feeling good…” and on and on and on, he goes. About his fabulous happiness and about how much he loves everyone.


You know what I want? Every time I hear one of his songs, I listen out for a line that says something like, “I’m a filthy crackwhore and I hate everyone….” Not because I think he’d be much improved, but because he’d seem a bit more human. Maybe he doesn’t need to go that far. Maybe he could just say, “I felt like rubbish the other day so I ate 23 chocolate bars and got drunk by myself at home.” I mean, even that would just round of his edges a little. 


He’s too plastic cheerful, like bubblegum or a colourful child’s toy that they learn to hate when they grow up because of it’s stupid cheery tunes and bright colours and you can never find the off switch so you’re forced to listen to an endless stream of squeaky-tuned silly-voiced madness…. 


I don’t hate him or anything. I just want him to do something naughty, give someone a wedgie live on television or release an angst ridden song, full of self-doubt and edginess. Maybe he should cover Smells Like Teen Spirit? O, but you know what would happen? He’d get a big band in there, 15 trumpets minimum, he’d have a big smile on his face, he’d do a few Elvis-esque leg-shake moves and he’d bop around having made it, somehow, into a cheery song to make you smile on a winter’s day. 


Winter doesn’t bother him in fact. He just dons a fluffy coat, gets some ice skates on and bops around an ice rink, smiling, endlessly smiling, and talking about how great snow is and Christmas and how he loves Santa and wants to be Santa and spread cheer and happiness and he never falls over on the ice. O no! He skates perfectly. And you know what? Even if he were to fall over on the ice, you know what he’d do? Give us a winning smile, say something like, “It’s a beautiful day to fall over on the ice,” sing a little ditty then bounce straight up, inviting the small children to hold his hand and skate in a line, laughing and being jolly.


Now, it’s ok to be a generally positive person. That’s ok, I get that. But he’s been saying it for quite a while now and sometimes I just want to shake him and say, “Michael, shhhhh for once, sometimes it’s NOT a beautiful day, alright?!”


A final word on his surname, what’s going on there? It’s Bubble, right? Bubble, like bubblegum, like bright colours and bubbles being popped and happiness and children having fun and gaiety. Just like Micheal Buble himself. Ridiculous.

6 responses to this post.

  1. Oh, this made me laugh! I could perfectly picture him doing everything you described! However, while perma-cheery people irritate the hell out of me in real life, there’s something about Michael Buble that I just find utterly charming! His cute face, his happy life, his sunny lyrics – maybe it’s because I know I can switch him off whenever I want! I’ve seen him interviewed as well and he’s actually really funny! And sweet – awww, Michael Buble – have to listen to a song now! 🙂


  2. Posted by Gail on November 30, 2013 at 10:37

    Don’t forget to mention that they all sound identical! I think he is aiming for a Sinatra thing, but if you took 10 second clips of Sinatra songs and strung them together as one, someone would notice. If you did this with bubble’s work, people would just keep grocery shopping and be none the wiser. (Because where else do you hear his music? Nowhere.)


  3. Ah, that was good! Like eating a bar of chocolate but less fattening! ‘I just haven’t met you yet…’ (Dances around living room) 😉


  4. Posted by mikemajor9 on November 30, 2013 at 12:36

    Ha-ha! C’mon, don’t be so hard on Michael – he’s a good Canadian boy who made it big and married a Brazilian supermodel — the lad has a whole lot to be cheery about 🙂


  5. I may have to Google this name. I don’t know anything about this person. Do remember, however, that there are people who do not get down much at all and love life and live it to the fullest they can: I try to.


  6. […] god, I’m watching the music channel and Michael Buble just came on. Save […]


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