Rubbish captions, boobs on the loose and wellies on hangers

I can’t wait to show you guys what is in Chat this week. It’s got some real gems. Firstly, the obligatory animal photo inside the front cover with some extremely weak puns.

This time the pun is ‘he’s going bananas!’ And I am then asked ‘orang-you jealous?’ Poor. Even for Chat, that’s poor.

Then the worst man-to-woman transvestite photo I have maybe ever seen in my entire life.

I’m sorry if you are reading this and you recognise yourself. But really now. A little bit of work needs doing on that get-up.

Then we have some photos of things that no-one cares about apart from the people who sent them in – a girl and a dog, someone on their wedding day, a carrot that looks like a pair of legs, someone’s cat, someone’s granny etc etc.

Then my personal favourite, the ‘Blimey! That’s clever’ page. The top tips are fabulous, as ever. The best one is this. It’s basically, store you wellies upside down on a hanger.

There’s no real reason why, apart from it saves space. Does it? Does hanging a pair of wellies on a wall which looks, from what I can see, quite silly, really saving so much space that it’s worth it? I’d rather just have a little less room on the shoe rack and keep the wellies there, thanks.

Another tip is, keep the little dregs of paint in a small jar rather than in the tin it came in. It’s not even worthy of a response, is it?

A bit later, there is a story about a little boy who didn’t have a belly button. I don’t know why. I dost read the story. My eye was immediately drawn to the inset photo and the caption…

There is also an info box about a condition called bladder exstrophy. The title says ‘What is bladder exstrophy?’ This is followed by the words, “This congenital defect affects around 1 in 50,000 births and is more common in boys than girls, and the risk of having a second child with the condition is approximately 1 in 10. The problem occurs somewhere between the 4th-10th week of pregnancy.”

So I’m sorry, what’s bladder exstrophy again? I’m still none the wiser. That info box contained zero ‘info.’ If I find out I’ve got it and I rush to grab my nearest copy of Chat, something I do whenever a crisis occurs in my life, then I’ve actually no idea what’s wrong with me or what to do.

Next is an atrocious photo of a woman who’s had loads of surgery on her body, yet still can’t make sure her boob fits in her bikini before she has her photo taken for a magazine.

The next thing, which might make some of you laugh is a reference to the a previous time we checked in with Chat. Do you remember the story of the odd unsettling horror dolls a lady was collecting and sending as gifts? A lady has written a letter in to Chat to say she also has a collection of horror dolls and felt a real connection when reading the story. Fab.

The recipe this week is bangers and mash. O, sorry, that’s wrong. It’s actually called ‘Sausage Mash-Up!’ Cause they is well cool, innit.

Lastly, we finish on a disturbing story about a woman who collects rubber ducks. There is a huge, rather unflattering photo of 43 year old, slightly overweight Charlotte, in a bath surrounded and covered by some of her ducks. From her little naked knees poking out among the ducks, I think we are supposed to believe that she is naked and that it is an arousing thought. It is not arousing. Not at all.

Parcels, portals and toilet flush buttons

I know, I know. It’s been a while since I reported back on the latest Chat magazine. Well, here it is. You know I never let you go too long without doing one.

First up, there’s the photos page. Well, actually, before that there’s a real life story which has a shock factor of 10! That’s right! A ten. Very rarely will you get tens. Usually they do a 9.8 or something like that. Not usually a ten. So you know that’s big stuff.

Now to the photos page. There’s a photo of two pregnant women in the same top, the caption basically says, here’s us in the same top. Great. Another photo is a lady reading Fifty Shades of Grey. And again, that’s pretty much it. What a fascinating photo, thanks for sharing.

The tips page is quite good today. The best one is probably the one which says that if you have a fancy perfume bottle lid, don’t throw it away when you’ve finished the perfume, attach it to the toilet flush button….! This doesn’t make sense on so many levels. Let me show you.

So on the before pic, you can see that it’s one of those push-in type things. There’s nothing sticking out from it. So what did she ‘attach’ the perfume lid to. And also, all she’s really done, I think, is cover up the toilet flush button. Because now you can’t press it, because there’s a big flowery thing attached to it.

The letters page is pretty good this week. There’s a picture of a baby with a shocked look on its face. There’s nothing wrong with the photo. It’s just that that’s all it is. And that’s the photo of the week….

They must not be getting a lot of entries to this photo of the week competition….

Then there’s a bolognese sauce from a jar competition thing. They review three and tell you their favourite, which is the Sacla Dallaglio bolognese sauce. God forbid, we might suggest one makes their dinner themselves… No! Food from a jar! That’s the way forward!

Then there’s the obligatory I-used-to-be-fat-then-I-lost-weight story. Then an I-met-a-man-on-the-internet-now-we’re-getting-but-we’ve-never-met story.

Then comes the good section. The psychic section. The first story in this section is about a woman who moved into a haunted house. The proof that it was haunted? Her daughter got locked in the bathroom one day. Obviously a ghost. Obviously. No question about it.

She realised what was going on, an evil portal. Of course. So she decides to close it. You know, as one does. She gathered her archangels around her, are you ready for the good bit? Her archangels… Gabriel….. Michael…. Raphael… And METATRON! Yes. Really. Metatron. Her archangel, Metatron. I’m glad he was there for her. Phew!

Then we have the Lucky Key. This is always amazing. I touch it and good things will happen apparently. To legitimise this Lucky Key thing, there are little stories from people who touched the key and great things happened to them. Now I’m not certain what’s going on here. Have they touched the key and immediately something great happens. Or do they touch it on Thursday and by Sunday, they’ve had a bit of luck? Because I don’t think you can really say it’s the key then, can you?

When I touched the key this morning, within five minutes I got a little note through the door from the post man saying I needed to go and pick something up from the post office because it had been posted without the proper amount of stamps on it. So I need to give them £1.50 for the postage if I want my parcel.

Is that lucky? Really? Should I tell Chat about it and see if they print my story in next week’s magazine? Maybe I will. Watch this space to see if I get printed! It will say:

Laura from London got a note from the postman saying she needed to pay £1.50 to pick up her parcel, all thanks to the Lucky Key!