The Horse-Caravan-Grandma-Orb story

Now, you know I’d never leave you with just one day of Chat because that would be cruel. Here’s the second installment of brilliance from our favourite magazine.

The story I’ve saved for today is going to blow your socks off.  Get ready for what I’m calling The Horse-Caravan-Grandma-Orb story. It’s epic. The story is as follows.

• Guy gives his yo-yo to a medium at a spiritualist church and she tells him he has The Gift then draws him a picture of a lady. He recognises the lady cause she ‘keeps him safe at night’.

• He becomes a medium when he is 18.

• Someone gives him a photo of his great grandma and it’s the lady from the drawing. They also give him a green crystal ball that used to belong to her. “I know she’d have wanted you to have it,” they say.

• He dreams about a caravan. Then he sees it. He asks the owner if he can buy it. The owner of the caravan actually says, according to him, “Lots of people have asked me that but I think I’ve been waiting for you.” He can’t explain why, apparently. It’s a feeling.

• Now I need a horse, he thinks. So he buys a horse. Obvious next step, right?

• Next, he’s helping his mum move house and gets a feeling that something has happened to the horse. When they finish everything, he sits down and suddenly “hundreds of orbs” are floating around.

• Gets home.  Note on the doormat from the farmer where the horse is being kept says, “Your mare’s dead.” He’s terribly eloquent, that farmer.  Don’t you think?

• Farmer acts shifty when questioned. Police are called but there’s no proof.

• He feels that the horse is living on a farm somewhere working hard and is safe and well.

• He misses the horse.

Now, I would just like to ask you, reader, if that is a story? Is it?

“A medium drew a picture of a woman. It was my great grandma. I bought a caravan and a horse. I think the horse was stolen. I miss the horse.” Wheres my beginning, middle and end? Where’s my restored equilibrium? Where’s the happy/unhappy ending? ‘I miss the horse’ is not, I fear, an ending.

We also need to look at the ‘evidence’ here. Below is the sketch and photo of the great grandma.

Now, that picture on the left is apparently a sketch done in a few minutes by a medium. Correct me if I’m wrong but she either took a long time with paint, or that’s a photo.  The straight lines of the shirt and the eyes were no way drawn in a few minutes by a woman with a pencil and pad.

Next bit of ‘evidence.’ His friend came to him with a photo after the horse went missing. He gasps. There is a ghostly image of a horse floating above her shoulder.  Check it out.

Ok, everybody looking at me. I need your attention for a minute. Right, I’d like you to raise your hand if you think a ghostly image of a horse is floating above her shoulder. And next I’d like you to raise your hand if you think it looks like a woman holding a photo up by her shoulder and tucking her fingers out of sight. It’s terribly square for a ghostly image, wouldn’t you say? Square like a photo?

Last but not least, I have a problem with his advert poster board thing.

I’m sorry, your name is “Omar”? Like that? Not Omar. Why is it “Omar”? Is your name a colloquialism? Like “Maccies” for McDonald’s or “totes” for totally. I think, “Omar”, that you should “learn” how to use “speech marks” before you start “tucking” them around things and making yourself look like an “uneducated fool.”

O wait, it didn’t take the speech marks to do that.

Best revision method yet

There a billions of cases to remember and I got in the habit of making up little stories to try and remember the names and it really works. The sillier the story, the more likely I am to remember it. I’ll give you some examples without looking at my notes…

Wayne Rooney on the phone = R v Wain
A case where a guy did a telethon to raise money then gave cheques to the charity for the amount and they bounced and he had spent the money that was raised. Convicted of theft.

Lloyd Grossman on TV = R v Lloyd
Theft of films from a cinema by a person who worked there. He brought them back so he wasn’t said to have the intention to permanently deprive. No theft.

“Chill, man” = Chan Man-Sin v Attorney General for Hong Kong
As in “Chill, man, I thought the bank would give you the money back.” This one was a real stretch of my imagination! Guy wrote cheques and withdrew money on company’s overdrafts. He said it wasn’t an intention to permanently deprive because he knew the banks would refund the money when they found out it had been stolen. Convicted of theft.

It’s cloudin’ over, must get supplies from Waitrose = R v Clouden
Another stretch. This is for robbery – force can be applied to property, it doesn’t need to be against the person. In this case the person’s shopping bag was snatched. Shopping, Waitrose, cloudin’ over, see what I did?

The Scarlet Pimpernel is always the goodie so must be in self-defence = R v Scarlet
From this case, we get the legal principle that if acting in self defence there is no crime.

Living in a caravan’s not very classy = R v Klass
In this case, the burglars forced the door of a caravan with poles but entered the caravan without them to steal. No aggravated burglary, no weapons at time of entry.

Addams Family running a shop = R v Gomez
Defendant worked in a shop, bought some things with cheques which bounced, convicted of theft.

It’s dangerous in church = R v Church
The test for dangerousness in unlawful act manslaughter.

Franklin the tortoise wouldn’t be naughty (he’s a character in a children’s book) = R v Franklin
No crime = no unlawful act manslaughter.

Hopefully I don’t start laughing in the exam from the silliness of the stories I’ve made up to remember things. Last exam today! Wish me luck!

I solemnly swear to tidy up the front living room when my exams are finished. And to do the dishes. And to wear clothes instead of jarmies. And to cook. And to stop living off crackers. And to stop drinking instant coffee. And to exercise. And to put all my law books in one box so they are not on every single surface.