Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

The life I almost had

Over a cup of tea with friends last night, we got on to the subject of what we had wanted to be when we were younger. Predictably, most of the girls there had wanted to be pop stars.

One friend, we’ll call her Emma to preserve her anonymity (and dignity) was discovered, and filmed, in the front room, warbling away into one of those toy microphones which had an applause button on the base. For some unknown reason what she was singing was, “Lucy, Luuuucy, Lucyyyy, Lucy,” and then pressing the applause button and saying in earnest to the imaginary crowd of adoring fans, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” The mystery of who “Lucy” is has never been solved.

Another friend made more solid steps towards stardom. Her and three friends made their own instruments and rehearsed songs they’d written. This friend, let’s call her Kate, had five empty glass bottles which she filled to different levels with water and tapped with a stick to make ‘music’. One of the other girls in her group had a cardboard box with elastic bands around it which she pinged. The song they sang went something along the lines of “if I wasn’t a pop star, I would be a…” And each of them would sing a verse in which they revealed what they would be if they weren’t otherwise engaged in their really successful pop careers.

What about you? I hear you asking. Didn’t you have any pop star plans?
Well, my road to fame is different because obviously theirs are pipe dreams, whereas mine had real potential. I was in a group called Delana. It was an amalgamation of our stage names. That’s right, we had stage names. We were pretty serious about it.

My main contribution was as ‘songwriter.’ Obviously. As a big fan of PJ and Duncan, I was well versed in the world of the ‘mid-song rap’. And I spent long hours at home, practising my lyrics in a deep voice. I got pretty good at the deep voiced rap, I must say.

I was obviously coveted by many record companies, who had heard about me through reputation. They were clambering to get at me. But I had to tell them, you know? I had to say, listen, I need to finish my schooling first. Becoming a worldwide sensation will affect my education and that’s what comes first.

And that’s the story of why my pop star dreams didn’t happen. Honest.