Posts Tagged ‘happy’

No, Michael, sometimes it’s not a beautiful day

I’ve got this thing about Michael Buble. I can’t cope with him. I can’t cope with his endlessly cheery face and his insistence that he’s totally in love with me, even if he hasn’t met me yet. I’m glad he knows that some day it will all work out and that he’s having a beautiful day and that he’s feeling good and that he has a Christmas album full of love and cheery things and smiles and….. bleeeeurh. 

 

Sorry, I just vomited. 

 

“I can’t stop myself from smiling…. Let me tell you all the reasons why I think you’re one of a kind… And I’m feeling good…” and on and on and on, he goes. About his fabulous happiness and about how much he loves everyone.

 

You know what I want? Every time I hear one of his songs, I listen out for a line that says something like, “I’m a filthy crackwhore and I hate everyone….” Not because I think he’d be much improved, but because he’d seem a bit more human. Maybe he doesn’t need to go that far. Maybe he could just say, “I felt like rubbish the other day so I ate 23 chocolate bars and got drunk by myself at home.” I mean, even that would just round of his edges a little. 

 

He’s too plastic cheerful, like bubblegum or a colourful child’s toy that they learn to hate when they grow up because of it’s stupid cheery tunes and bright colours and you can never find the off switch so you’re forced to listen to an endless stream of squeaky-tuned silly-voiced madness…. 

 

I don’t hate him or anything. I just want him to do something naughty, give someone a wedgie live on television or release an angst ridden song, full of self-doubt and edginess. Maybe he should cover Smells Like Teen Spirit? O, but you know what would happen? He’d get a big band in there, 15 trumpets minimum, he’d have a big smile on his face, he’d do a few Elvis-esque leg-shake moves and he’d bop around having made it, somehow, into a cheery song to make you smile on a winter’s day. 

 

Winter doesn’t bother him in fact. He just dons a fluffy coat, gets some ice skates on and bops around an ice rink, smiling, endlessly smiling, and talking about how great snow is and Christmas and how he loves Santa and wants to be Santa and spread cheer and happiness and he never falls over on the ice. O no! He skates perfectly. And you know what? Even if he were to fall over on the ice, you know what he’d do? Give us a winning smile, say something like, “It’s a beautiful day to fall over on the ice,” sing a little ditty then bounce straight up, inviting the small children to hold his hand and skate in a line, laughing and being jolly.

 

Now, it’s ok to be a generally positive person. That’s ok, I get that. But he’s been saying it for quite a while now and sometimes I just want to shake him and say, “Michael, shhhhh for once, sometimes it’s NOT a beautiful day, alright?!”

 

A final word on his surname, what’s going on there? It’s Bubble, right? Bubble, like bubblegum, like bright colours and bubbles being popped and happiness and children having fun and gaiety. Just like Micheal Buble himself. Ridiculous.

“Inspirational quotes”

Inspirational quotes, hey. That old hat. The good old, why aim for the sky when you can aim for the stars? I mean it’s all so silly. I’ve read so many ‘your life is like a…’ and then a ridiculous comparison that I feel I’m being taken for a fool here.

Let me make something up. You can literally say anything.

Your life is a like a Hoover. Sometimes it cleans up, sometimes it sits around doing nothing. But when you’re hoovering, everyone knows you’re hoovering.

And that’s inspirational because it’s about how, when you decide to do something amazing with your life, people will sit up and listen.

I mean, nonsense. That’s nonsense. I just made that up. Not that I’m down on positivity. I’m definitely not! I’m quite a positive person. But there’s only so many times I can read the words, ‘if you try hard enough, you will achieve your goals’ before I’m like, hold up, there’s a lot more at play here. That’s not the only factor. For every success story, there’s a guy on the side going “Well I tried loads and I’ve still got nothing.”

So here are some of my quotes. Should you wish to quote them or draw strength from them, go ahead. There’s no copyright here.

That’s another life-coachy quote for you. “There’s no copyright here.” I’m sure you can make something of that if you want to.

Ok, here goes. A foray into my potential new career as a life coach.

In life, generally, there are people who are fairly happy and there are people who are fairly unhappy, no matter what their actual life circumstance is.

Sometimes you make loads of effort and end up nowhere.

Sometimes that doesn’t matter. You’ve probably figured out something else to do by then.

Having money helps.

Sometimes you should just bake a cake instead.

Life’s quite nice.

Moaning doesn’t help, but we like it anyway.

Being in sunny weather isn’t the be-all and end-all.

Truffles are tasty.

And that, my friends, is my life advice. Should you need any more, I am more than happy to share my talent again. I expect to see my wisdom embossed on people’s doors and tattooed on arms before long, ok?

O, here’s another little titbit before I go.

When you’re tired, going to bed is nice.