Hiccupping killers and headless children

It’s Chat time again, everyone. I’m excited. I’m going to start by flipping through and noting down this week’s names.

Lamont
Laron
A boy called Shannon
Tanika
Rocco
Lexie
Brittnie
Riley
Evie Varney
Gaynor
Shirelle
Yeardley Reynolds Love, a girl (who was dating George Wesley Huguely V, by the way)

The best story by far this week is the You’re The Judge section. Each week they give you the facts of a case, usually in America, then you try to guess if they were found guilty or innocent. Then you turn the page and find out if you got it right. The headline of this story is ‘The Hiccuping Killer?’ What’s not to love about that?

What are you imagining the story is here? I had some idea that maybe she had hiccupped when she had a knife in her hand and accidentally stabbed someone. You know, something along those lines.

What actually happened is this. There’s an 18 year old called Jennifer Mee accused of murder. Three years previous, when she was 15, she had hiccups for five weeks. That’s it. But the hiccups have somehow entered the scene again now that she set up an online meeting with a guy who her friends then killed.

Yep. The hiccups are to blame. It must be hard being a hiccupper. I shouldn’t judge, really. I’ve no idea what she’s been through, with all that hiccupping.

The attention got too much. Two years later she moved out. That’s a full two years later. She hiccupped when she was 15 and she is now 17 years old and having to take drastic action. Wow. People in America must really cling onto news stories for a looooong time, that she still felt the pressure of fame so long afterward.

I imagine her and Britney would have a lot to chat about, because Britney had a bit of meltdown too, didn’t she? But where Britney shaved her head and almost dropped her baby, Jennifer took to social media, posting this ‘bad mofo’ message on her MySpace. Cause all the coolest kids are using MySpace. O wait, no they’re not.

So you see? You see how she was totally giving society and the fame a massive two fingers up. She is one bad mofo.

I’m sure there’s an interesting story in all of this but I can’t much be bothered to read it. Anyway, she gets found guilty. Sorry for spoiling it if you haven’t read your copy of Chat yet.

What we’re going to do next is look at a rather strange top tip from Nicola, Glasgow. She recommends that we should sew up and stuff our childrens’ old sleep suits and use them as cushions. Check it out.

Before I tell you my opinion, please just make up your own mind about them. Had a look? Made your mind up? Anyone else think they look a bit unsettling? Like headless children? Did the name Ed Gein spring to anyone else’s mind? It’s wierd, right? Imagine having that on the sofa with your other cushions? I think they look horrible, is it just me?

That, my friends, was just the highlights. There’ll be more to come, don’t you worry.

Thoughts

I’m having one of those I-can’t-think-what-to-write-about days. Well, actually, I should qualify that statement. I’m having a bit of a lazy morning where I’ve spent an hour or two reading other blogs and listening to an audiobook so now my brain is in too many different places to think of something to write about. So I shall just list the thoughts that are in my mind right now.

– Will I ever become a world famous piano player? Or will I forever be stuck on the line, “And you come to me on a summer breeze” from How Deep Is Your Love? And are ten fingers enough to play this piece of music? At the moment, I need about twelve to be able to play it properly.

– Chocolate and cherry mousse cake is fabulous. And making a genoise sponge for the first time went ok. As did making custard from scratch…

– Beouf bourginon is not actually that difficult to make. It is also extremely tasty, despite its easiness…

– Planning an African adventure is muchos fun, even if it isn’t going to happen for over a year…

– I can’t cope with X Factor winner James Arthur’s ‘my-parents-divorced-when-I-was-a-kid-and-now-I’m-traumatised-for-life’ routine. I just want to shake him and say, “Get over yourself! Grow up! I know your parents are divorced but SO ARE EVERYONE ELSE’S!” He writes songs about it which are really ‘deep’ apparently. So his Mum says. “Yeah,” she goes, serious face on and eyes looking down to the ground. “It’s really… It’s really… (she searches for the appropriate word, having used deep about four times already)… It’s really… deep.” Thanks for that, o mother of great eloquence and feeling. It’s good to know that, as a man in his 20s, the single most important that has happened in his life is still the separation of his parents when he was in primary school. Sometimes, Mr Arthur, people are better apart. Get over it.

– My rooibos tea has gone cold.

– There is a cat digging in the garden. I didn’t know cats dug.

– I am really intrigued about what happened with Oscar Pistorius and his girlfriend. I genuinely really like him. I just finished reading his autobiography, Blade Runner, a few weeks ago and it was really good. He seems like a down-to-earth, decent type. And a brilliant athlete. His arrest for murder seems totally at odds with the man I imagined him to be. Of course, a book written by him will obviously give the impression that he portrays, not necessarily who he actually is. And by the same token, a charge for murder is not a conclusion of guilt. There’s this space in between the law and the media and the person’s own voice, where they reside, and I don’t suppose I can know who he is or what has happened. I guess we will see what the outcome is.

– Today I am going for lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in way too long. I am excited.

Murder at the Academy Awards! And Donald Duck…

Yesterday’s Getting Excited About Stuff was relatively straight forward = It’s Joan Rivers’ birthday. Get hold of a book by/about Joan Rivers and read it.

Well, there wasn’t one at the library and I thought about walking along to the book shop but I was a bit knackered after my long swim (my legs and arms ache a bit today, I kind of entered a trance and just kept going then realised I’d been in there for absolutely ages!). So I headed home and looked around on Kindle on my phone and found a book by Joan Rivers called Murder at the Academy Awards! (There was also one called Men Are Stupid… And They Like Big Boobs but I thought Murder at the Academy Awards looked better.) Can you imagine anything better than a few hours with your head in a potentially-trashy probably-rubbish book called Murder at the Academy Awards?! After the onslaught of Serious Facts and Textbooks that became my life recently, I have been revelling in the more frivolous side of life. I got stuck in.

It’s told from the point of view of a reporter on the red carpet trying to snatch interviews with A-listers arriving at the Oscars. It’s actually told quite well. I was surprised to read on Wikipedia that Joan has a degree in English Literature so what I was expecting – a loud-mouthed Hello! magazine but longer and with more insults – was not what I got. Of course it’s brash, of course the insults fly (Cameron Diaz is given the what-for for wearing a dress that ‘not even Winona Ryder would shoplift’) but it’s done quite well. Don’t get confused here, I’m not telling you all to run out and buy it because it is a work of literary genius. But it’s a fun read for an afternoon off work.

I’m only half way through so the mystery of how the star of the show dies, a young actress who spends her time in and out of rehab, is yet to be solved. The hilarity of the situation that the main character is now in is entertaining reading. She’s having herself admitted to a rehab clinic with a pretend addiction, so that she can dig around and find out some gossip about how the starlet may have died. And she just lost her dog when taking it to the vet. And her bodyguard loves pantsuits. And she loves plastic surgery. It’s all going on in Murder at the Academy Awards!

And so to today. 9th June. Would you believe it? In 1934, on 9th June, Donald Duck made his debut in The Wise Little Hen! So today, I shall spend some time getting excited about Donald Duck. I’ve read up on him. I know all about him and his rivalry with Mickey Mouse. He gets over it eventually and they are the best of friends. I know all about his career in films and his educational programmes for children. I know that he struggles with his temper. I even know what his sayings are. “What’s the big idea?” is his most used. I also know about his health issues, he’s quite lazy and all his friends think he needs to get some exercise. But one time he knocked a shark out with one punch so he’s still pretty strong, even if he is lazy….

I hope you enjoyed that little fact-onslaught about Donald Duck. I feel we would all benefit a little from knowing more about Donald.

So today I am going to dress as a sailor. Well, not really. I’m just going to wear white trousers and a blue jumper. And say “What’s the big idea?” to people. And maybe I’ll watch The Wise Little Hen if I can find it on Youtube.

The Strange English Language

The following is a guest blog from RuthJ at caderyan.com and was submitted to me via myblogguest.com. Enjoy!

 

The English language is a strange little thing. It contains the most words out of any other language, and though it is widely spoken throughout the world, it is actually one of the most difficult languages to learn.

Most other languages have rules associated with why the language is the way it is. Sentences are laid out to make sense and phonetics are easier to dissect. In English, there is no rhyme or reason to the way certain things are spelled or pronounced, and some of the words we use today don’t make sense as to why.

Languages were invented, which leaves it susceptible to error and confusion, and the English language is no exception. If we could go back in time when the English language was being created, we would have plenty of questions.

Did you ever notice that certain words would make more sense if used correctly with its counterparts? For example:

1. Why do we drive on parkways, yet park on driveways?

2. Why do we use garment bags to pack suits, yet we use suitcases to pack garments?

3. How come we play at a recital, yet we recite a play?

4. How come when we move something via a ship it’s called cargo, yet when we move something by car it’s called a shipment?

5. Why do we call people who ride bikes cyclists, but people who ride motorcycles bikers?

For the English language to make perfect sense, you would think that we would drive on driveways and park on parkways and that we would call those who ride bikes bikers and those who rode motorcycles cyclists. Instead, we do things backwards.

Then there are those items that involve numbers that simply don’t make sense. For example:

1. Why is it called a pair of pants when you only get one?

2. Why is first-degree murder worse than third-degree murder, but first-degree burns are less serious than third-degree burns?

3. Why do we call it a television set if we only get one?

We also have words that follow one rule but not for others. For example:

1. How come the day breaks but never falls, yet night falls but never breaks?

2. How come a king rules a kingdom, but a queen doesn’t rule a queendom?

And then there are just certain questions we wish we had answers to, including:

1. Why does the word lisp have an s in it? Was it some type of cruel joke?

2. How come there is no synonym for the word synonym?

3. Why are deer and moose the same for both singular and plural versions?

4. What was the purpose of spelling read and read or lead and lead the same but making them have two different phonetics?

5. How come you can turn a light on, off or out, but you can’t turn it in?

6. How can you be head over heels? Aren’t you already head over heels? Shouldn’t it be heels over head?

7. Why can -ough be pronounced seven different ways?

Unfortunately we may never know the answer to some of these questions, and the English language will continue to be a mystery to everyone.

 

Robert Hunt is a writer and linguist. He has studied the forms and details of many different languages. Robert has recently enrolled in Accent Pros accent classes to learn how to pronounce words with different accents.