Posts Tagged ‘mustard’

The Theatre-Goers Manifesto

I have been to two musicals in the past few days and it gave me some food for thought. At the end of Thriller (which, strictly speaking, isn’t really a musical), there was a moment of seriousness when they sang Heal The World and Man In The Mirror and told us to think about Michael’s message of peace. This then descended into chaos when they did Bad and everyone got up and danced like maniacs but as we left, I was feeling the MJ love and thought I might try incorporating a little of his lyrics into my day to day life.

Then last night, we went to see The Rocky Horror Show and my mind was blown. I didn’t really have a clue what was going on but it didn’t seem to matter. There was much wooping and dancing. I do like a good woop. Every time one of the characters said something, a group of dedicated Rocky Horror fans up the front yelled something and then everyone laughed.

The best example of this was when Brad and Janet knocked on the door of the house to ask if they could use the phone and the butler guy said something like, “Well, you’d better…”

And out of the blue, a large section of the audience yelled, “FUCK OFF!”

Clearly, there was a lot of fun being had and I do think it is important to remember to have fun so I have made the following theatre-based manifesto for my life….

If ever I feel something is wrong, “I’ll start with the (wo)man in the mirror” but, more importantly, whilst doing so, I will always “jump to the left before I step to the riiiiiiight.” That part is important. The good thing is that “I’m gonna make a change” and “it’s gonna feel real good.” But while thinking about what’s wrong, I realised that “maybe the rain isn’t really to blame” and maybe the problem is that I’m a “sweet transvestite from Transylvania.” You can see how that would be a problem, right? People say, “I’m bad, I’m bad, you know it,” but I haven’t got time for that nonsense. Because I know what to do when things get tough. I’ll remember not to “get flustered, use a bit of mustard.” Great advice.

Well, that’s me sorted. I was getting all bothered about what to do but the theatre this week has sorted that all out.

And before I go, a little word on MJ and his song “Liberian Girl,” which I love. I definitely thought it was called “Librarian Girl” when I was younger. And I think that’s why I loved it. And loved Michael Jackson. I knew he recognised the importance of books and what a fabulous job librarians do.

On that note, I’m off. Enjoy your Sunday…..

Some things I should admit

I have never seen Kill Bill.

I didn’t see Dirty Dancing or Grease till I was about 16.

I bunked off the last half hour of school one day to get a book signed by the first winner of Big Brother.

Often I don’t brush my hair.

When I was about ten, I saved up and bought The Smurfs Go Pop album. My favourite song on it was Mr Blobby and The Smurfs, in which Mr Blobby occasionally goes “BLOBBY!” That is his only contribution to the song.

I always used to make up little plans about running away (I had probably seen a film which made it look really fun and easy.)

I have a strange fondness for wildebeest. I just think they’re quite grand.

I loved loved LOVED the boy from Free Willy. I had a poster of him on my wall, which I used to snog.

When I was little, I named all my teddy bears and cuddly toys and gave them personalities and had a little sitcom-esque imaginary existence with them at bedtime.

It was during these night time role plays with my toys that I perfected my faux American accent.

That’s right, I have a faux American accent that I sometimes put on for fun. I think it’s ace. I can’t speak for anyone else.

I also went through a phase when I was about 17 where I spoke in an Irish accent.

I have lumpy knees.

Sometimes I find the news boring, although I know I should be fascinated and be all aware and things, but sometimes they go on and on, and I realise I’m not actually that interested. Ssshhhh, don’t tell anyone.

I don’t like Glee. I once watched an episode. It was not the best use of my time.

I also don’t like mustard.

I don’t think dogs are cute. Even small fluffy ones. They’re just dogs.

I love lists.

A little game of Would You Rather

Ok, the rules of Would You Rather go like this. I ask if you’d rather do one or the other of two things. You pick which one. Simple. The answer ‘I don’t know’ is not allowed. ‘I wouldn’t pick either’ is also forbidden. There is a man with a gun to your head who will shoot you if you don’t choose one. There is no way to escape him. You MUST choose. If you need to ask questions to expand upon either choice, that’s fine. Ok, are you ready? Remember, you must choose one.

1. Would you rather… Have a five metre body and five centimetre legs OR a five centimetre body and five metre long legs?


2. Would you rather…. Have a perfectly spherical body, like an orange OR have skin that is the texture of popcorn?


3. Would you rather… Have hands that look like hooves OR hands that look like florets of broccoli?


4. Would you rather… Be made of paper OR be made of jelly?

5. Would you rather…. Be always too cold OR be always too hot?


6. Would you rather… Have a rare disease where you are allergic to everything except chicken livers so that’s all you’re allowed to eat OR have a skin condition where you have to apply face moisturiser made of drain water every day?

7. Would you rather… Bathe in the watery bit that you get on top of the mustard OR bathe in the water that chicken has been poached in?


8. Would you rather…. Have a nose like cauliflower OR facial skin like potato peelings?

9. Would you rather… Be gored in the stomach by a vicious bull OR have your face eaten by scorpions?

10. Would you rather… Have a disease where you always fall over and smash your face on the floor OR have a disease where you grow thick curly hair all over your entire body?