Posts Tagged ‘nail varnish’

The contents of my handbag

I’ve heard men say that the contents of a woman’s handbag is a mystery to them. Well, let me tell you something. They are a mystery to me too. Even the contents of my own handbag puzzle me. Check it out. In my bag I found….

Two books – Pondlife by Al Alvarez (very good) and What Are You Looking At: An Anthology of Fat Fiction (not yet started)

One dark chocolate covered rice cake

3 unposted letters to friends

A pack of hair bobbles

3 plastic shopping bags

5 pens

My purse

Germolene antiseptic ointment

Headphones and a phone charger

Keys

A strip of throat sweets

Wage slips from last March, last November and this January

A bill from March 2012

A card saying ‘One in a melon’ and a picture of a melon (who knows why this is in there? Not me)

A copy of a magazine called TTG. (I have never read TTG, have no idea what it’s about and am vaguely confused as to why it is there)

2 hand creams

Red nail varnish (I very rarely wear nail varnish)

2 packs of tissues

Vaseline

7 receipts

Face wash (I don’t know why I would be carrying this around with me)

A pair of big thick mittens I haven’t worn in months

A hairbrush

That bracelet I lost a few weeks ago! Brilliant!

The shopping list I wrote when buying stuff for making a Valentine’s meal

A tea bag

A faux Oyster card holder which in fact has a mirror in one side and a little book of discounts for a nearby hairdressers in the other (I’m as puzzled as you are on this one)

A purple swimming cap which says ‘IRONMAN’ across it. (O, the hilarity. As though putting on the cap might convince people I’m in that category of sportsman)

Elizabeth Arden 8 hour skin cream (probably used it once in the past few months)

5 pence

A map of London’s top ten attractions

An unopened pack of nail files

A loyalty card for a shop I barely go in

3 Oyster cards (no, I don’t know why either)

Some flu medicine

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I don’t know, everyone! I don’t know! I don’t know why I carry around so many ’emergency’ things, like the gloves in case it suddenly gets freezing. I should know myself well enough to know that I consider myself far too invincible to need gloves. Why so many receipts? And pens? Surely one or two would do? And a teabag?

O well. I guess I’ll put it all back in my bag and go on as though none of this ever happened. I’m too confused at myself.

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Things it’s ok to do as a child

Stop a party of six whilst out walking so that you can wish on a star.

Fart and blame it on the TV.

Have long conversations with your reflection in the mirror.

Have plain spaghetti and green ‘olibs’ (olives) for dinner.

Say things like, “I’m going to marry Adam. When I’m 13.”

Have people accompany you to the toilet, just to chat to them about Barbie.

Declare loudly, “I don’t like hippos!” at the dinner table with absolutely no prerequisite.

Reply to the sentence, “I’m scared of monsters,” with the advice, “You should eat your carrots then.”

Jump in all puddles, even ones which are tiny, five hundred times before moving on, even when everyone’s in a rush.

Dig around in your nostril for a massive snot then wipe it on the nearest person forehead (Danda’s).

Tell everyone in the room whether it is a wee or a poo that you are going to the bathroom for.

Drink your entire body weight in apple juice.

Laugh hysterically for ten whole minutes at someone pulling tongues at you.

Rub novelty Gruffalo shampoo all over everyone’s faces and necks and tell them it is make up.

Paint a grown man’s fingernails (Danda’s) with silver glittery nail varnish then insist he go out to McDonald’s with it still on.

Talk for twenty minutes about the best way to defeat dragons.

Eat a whole apple before holding up the core and saying, “I don’t like apples.”

Put animal stickers all over your face in public and sit on a windowsill looking around and waving at strangers.