Posts Tagged ‘queen’

World Takeover – Day 1

Everyone! At last! It’s finally here! The world takeover begins! And remember, you heard about it here first.

Let me explain. It is a world takeover through art. Very very good art. Very pretty art. Well, how will that happen, you’re thinking, aren’t you? Just trust me. It will. When the queen gets a look at this stuff, she’ll be raving about it to anyone who’ll listen. Trust me.

The website is finally complete and can be found here –

There are links to the Twitter and Instagram etc, on there so get involved, should you be feeling particularly arty today.

And when you look at the website, be gentle. Remember, I made it and I’m quite self conscious about it.

World Takeover Countdown

The world takeover will begin in less than a week. It is occupying most of my brain space, especially the space that would usually be reserved for blogging. So instead I am going to list the things that still need doing.

1. Arrival of second set of business cards and get fancy business card holder.

2. Website bits and peices tweaked and mobile version of website sorted.

3. First month of social media plan finalised.

4. Design for launch invitations.

5. Make sure one invite super fancy and edged in gold leaf (that one is for the queen).

6. Make sure I have queen’s address in phone book.

7. Work out good people to associate with on social media (@thequeen and @michelroux obviously, but who after that?)

8. Tell all friends that I will no longer be associating with them as they ‘are not famous enough for me’.

9. Buy shares in William Curley’s chocolatiers.

10. Refuse to have elevenses from anywhere else.

The Queen plan

Yesterday, I set out my intentions for how I would rule the country if I were to become the queen. I imagine some of you were thinking, “Well this is silly because you will never become the queen.” I’d like you to stop right there, all you doubters, for I have a plan for that too. I thought it up when I was eight so it must be good. Here it is.

1. I would be orphaned. Sad as that is, it utilises a greater purpose for the world so I would be quietly sad for the rest of my life but valiant and brave. The public would comment on it in admiration.

2. I would be living on the streets outside Buckingham Palace, eating mud and wearing raggedy clothes. I was kind of channeling my inner Little Princess here.

3. The queen would pass by in her chariot (yep, a chariot) and see me and go, “O, look at that poor little beggar girl. Let’s give her a job or something.” Cause the queen loves a bit of child labour.

4. I would have a job as a maid, cleaning around the palace. One day, I would be changing the wood in her fireplace in her bedroom and she would come in and start chatting to me.

5. She would be very impressed by me and start inviting me to dinner and to play in the garden with her and her dogs.

6. She would adopt me. Cause that’s logical.

7. She would die.

8. I would become queen.

Wasn’t I a clever child, to come up with this totally faultless plan? I feel some points may be harder to achieve than others, given I am now 28, rather than eight. But I’ll figure it out, no problem.

If I were the Queen

A few days ago was my 600th blog post. I feel quite strongly that this makes me some kind of member of the royal family. Obviously. So soon I will be the queen? I would hate to get the call and be unprepared for my duties as head of the country/world. Therefore I have made a plan for how things will be when I am queen.

1. I will build loads of castles. I feel that we are sadly lacking in new castles.

2. I will say to people, “Bring me truffles from the deepest darkest woods in the Italian countryside – now. Right now. Immediately.”

3. I will order Michel Roux Jr to cook them for me but I will tell him to stay away from that crazy boiled veal’s head dish he made on TV the other week.

4. I will have a holiday home on Capri. This one, in fact.

5. I would not have those silly dogs that the queen has. Or at least, I would not have anything to do with them. I would just let them run around next to me if I had a photo shoot so that the public thought I was all soft and lovely and animal-loving.

6. I would sleep a lot. My goodness, I would sleep a lot. And alarms would be forbidden.

7. Danda would like to request a golf course and a Chelsea season ticket. I have told I will look into it for him. I can’t go around acting as I please and spending the country’s money on just anything. I have a duty to the public, don’t you know?

8. I would close Richmond Park to the public and have it as my back garden. I would make my gardeners plant all the things I wanted to eat, like fig trees and lemon trees and bay leaf trees.

9. Every so often, for publicity purposes, I would let a poor person come and talk to me and I would be nice to them and everyone would think, “Gosh, that queen sure is nice. I saw she was talking to a poor person the other day and being nice to them.”

10. I would make everyone give me any new books they had written so I could read them first and if I liked the book, I would send them some chocolate. If I didn’t like it, I would throw it on the floor and stamp my feet. That’s how they would know. By the foot stamping.

So I’m waiting for them to call me. Maybe I should send them this list so that they can rest assured I’ll do a good job. Maybe they’re waiting to see my plan before they get in touch?

Careers advice

When I was in my late teens and still at secondary school, there was a lot of talk about forward planning for a possible career. We had talks from people who gave us advice about this or that, there was a careers advisor on hand most days near the sixth form common room and we had various computer programme things that asked you questions and suggested possible careers that might match your likes or dislikes.

I didn’t know for definite what I wanted to do. I had played with different careers in my mind – popstardom beckoned at one point, the literary life at another, not to mention my brush with TV presenting fame.

I hadn’t settled on one for definite because my main thoughts, in my last year at school, were on the gap year I had planned. So I just kind of let these career talks go in one ear and out the other. I had my place at university sorted, I was off to study theatre and English literature when I got back from Africa, although I didn’t really know what I could do with it as a career. I just liked them!

One day though, I must have been wondering what career the computer might suggest if I took the questionnaire. I secretly love stuff like that as it often comes up with something hilariously off-kilter. In a free moment between classes, I decided to take the careers questionnaire.

It took a long time. Long, long, long. And it went on and on and on about things that were so similar to one another that I thought that surely I must have answered it already.

“You enjoy working in a group.”

“You enjoy working with other people.”
Agree strongly

“You get on well with other people.”

“You like to lead a group.”
Neither agree or disagree

“You like to be in charge.”
Agree slightly

“You are good at taking control.”
Agree slightly

“You like to fix things.”
Disagree slightly

“You like to take things apart and figure them out.”

“You work best alone.”
Neither agree or disagree.

And so it went on. Click, click, click went the mouse, on varying degrees of agreeing or disagreeing with certain statements. Until finally, five billion questions later, I got a little egg timer on the screen while it came up with my results.

I waited in anticipation, thinking about all the things it might suggest for the career I was best matched to. Based on the questions I had been asked, I thought it might come up with things like ‘Team leader on expedition of huge world importance similar to that of Shackleton,” or “Queen’s best friend,” (is that a job title?) or “World famous travelling sensation.”

Think, think, think, went the egg timer and then, finally, up popped my results!

I’ve long since forgotten what my number 1 most suitable career came up as because right there, sitting in the number 2 spot, was the word ‘Embalmer.’

You’re thinking, no, surely not? Is that what I think it is? Well yes, it is what you think it is. The person who embalms dead bodies and gets them ready for burial.

At number 2! That high up! Did I fall asleep during part of the questionnaire and accidentally click ‘agree’ on the statement “You like working with the recently departed”?!

Laura Maisey, Future Embalmer.

One likes to play croquet, don’t you know?

So we had a croquet match yesterday, us ladies. Yes, a croquet match. On the lawn. Not just any lawn. The Croquet Lawn.


We each chose a ball and had the rules explained to us. My first few shots were played incorrectly so I was obviously messing around at the back of the class when we were having our Croquet Lesson.

Beige stepped up first, a seasoned croquetter and played a beautiful shot through the first hoop.

Yellow went next and played a rubbish shot which just sat next to the hoop.

Black sailed through and on to the next hoop.

Then it was my turn. I crashed straight into Yellow, who was next to the hoop. So I got two extra turns. I took two more turns and crashed into Yellow each time. Bloody Yellow. I got irritated. Yellow became my enemy.

Blue played last and kind of trundled through the hoop, not very spectacularly.

It continued this way for much of the game, Beige sailing effortlessly round and, ultimately, beating us all, and us trying to remember which hoop to aim for next and trying to find our balls in the bushes surrounding the Croquet Lawn.

Apparently you have to go through this hoop first, then this one, then that one then back through this one and that one…. And when you hit someone else’s ball you get an extra turn and when you go through a hoop you get an extra turn and….

When this all started to hurt my brain and us amateurs had been trying to get through the same hoop for hours, we decided it the proper way, with a race around the trees.

Blue and I arrived back within milliseconds of each other, me panting heavily, Blue looking calm and unaffected.

And that’s how it was decided. Blue and I came joint last. The Croquet Queen came first. Black and Yellow came second and third, I don’t remember which way round as I was probably off in the undergrowth, trying to locate my ball….

I’d like to say we all went inside and lunched like ladies and discussed knitting. But that’s not true. We got fish and chips and sat round the TV talking nonsense.

So all in all, a good time was had by everyone. What, what!


Diamond Jubilee

It’s the regular guest blogger again, with a change of theme this time:

I’ve been doing a series on the concept of Freedom for the past month or so and will return to that next time. However I thought it appropriate to take a break this week and do something on the Diamond Jubilee. The celebration is occupying much of the UK news this year, and in particular, this past week-end. We had a Bank Holiday on Monday and a Jubilee Holiday on Tuesday so no work till today. Hurrah!

60 years on the throne is a fantastic achievement. Both here and abroad there have been a number themed “60” events held and paraphernalia produced: some good, some tacky. One of the most extraordinary has to be The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Gold Kilo Coinproduced by our very own Royal Mint: it has a face value of £1,000 but, as only 60 are being produced, it will cost you £60,000 (about $92,000). What a bargain! Go on treat yourself – you know you want one!

QE’s reign has so far spanned seven decades and the tenures of 11 Prime Ministers. She is on her 12th at the moment with David Cameron. (Queen Victoria managed 10.) In terms of length of reign, QE is on 60 yrs 133 days (as of Sunday last) but QV is still in the lead on 63 years 216 days. (QE became Queen on 6.2.1952 although her coronation did not take place until 2.6.1953.)

During her coronation year (1953), a number of noteworthy events took place both here and around the world. There are, of course, lots but I think these examples are worth a mention, so here we go:


Samuel Beckett’s play Waiting For Godot has its first public stage première
in French as En attendant Godot at the Théâtre de Babylone in Paris.
USA develops Hydrogen bomb.

Mau-Mau Uprising against British rule in Kenya.

307 people in UK are killed by the North Sea Flood.


Walt Disney’s Peter Pan has its premiere.

Watson & Crick (University of Cambridge) announce discovery of the DNA


Josef Stalin dies.


First James Bond novel, Casino Royale is published by Ian Fleming.


Aldous Huxley tries the hallucinogenic drug mescaline for the first time
which inspired his book The Doors of Perception.

France agrees to the provisional independence of Cambodia under King Norodom

Edmund Hillary & Sherpa Tenzing Norgay conquer Mt Everest on 29.5.1953. It is
named after Colonel Sir George Everest a Welsh Surveyor-General of India
(1830-43) although curiously, he had not wanted it to be given his name.
(Previously known as Peak XV by the English, Tibetans had called it
Chomolungma for hundreds of years.) Interestingly, news did not reach the UK
until the actual day of the coronation (2.6.1953).


Egypt declares itself a republic.

The first Chevrolet Corvette is produced at Flint, Michigan.

Jul Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (Marilyn Munroe, Jane Russell) is released.

Korean War ends.


Soviet Union announces it has the hydrogen bomb.

4,000,000 worker go on strike in France over austerity measures.


Aserinsky & Kleitman publish their discovery of REM (rapid eye movement)


UNIVAC 1103, first computer to use random access memory.

UNICEF (United Nations Children’s Fund) is made a specialised agency of the


The British Natural History Museum announced that one of the most famous
fossil skulls, that of Piltdown Man, was a hoax.

The Chilean port of Puerto Williams is founded – at 54⁰ south it is the most
southerly settlement in the world (Pop. over 2,200).


Eisenhower delivers his “Atoms for Peace” speech (about the peaceful use of
nuclear power).

Albert Schweitzer gets the Nobel Peace Prize for his philosophy of “Reverence
For Life”.

At the end of the year/beginning of 1954 the first colour TVs go on sale in the USA, priced at about $11-1300 (depending on manufacturer).
Now, moving on to our own very local celebration. Originally planned for Sunday 3.6.12, it was brought forward to Saturday because the weather forecast for Sunday was horrendous. Our street (a close actually) had decided some months ago to hold a street party in celebration of the Diamond Jubilee. The organisers canvassed people to provide equipment (tables, chairs, gazebos & tents), baking, sandwich making and provision of drinks. I was asked to provide 4 garden chairs as they were seen by the organisers as they walked past my house. (That’s the organisers ‘walking past my house’ not the chairs if you see what I mean!) As they’d been outside for a number of years (that’s the chairs, not the organisers) I thought I’d better give them a bit of a clean up. I went outside and began washing them down; vigorous rubbing required to get rid of green moss deposits, mud and dirty streaks. Just as I finished chair no. 4 organiser Mike strides up the path to collect them. Whew, a bit close.

The next hour was spent, on the grassed area in the centre of our close, setting up tables, chairs, windbreaks, erecting gazebo & tents; each of the two huge tents could accommodate two tables and 8-12 people seated around them. All we needed now was the food. The call went out; people began pouring out of their houses arms laden with platters, plates and bags of stuff. There were scones with cream on and a strawberry on top, masses of sandwiches, salads, curries, sausage rolls & many bottles of soft drinks etc.

The large round red container, on the left, next to the bowl of salad looks like a tin of the small individually-wrapped chocolate bars called “Celebrations” which are always popular at parties and the like. However for this special occasion the manufacturers had changed the name of their brand to “Jubilations” – see what they did there? And we had one of those special ones!

Here’s a pic of one of the many flags put up. Some of the coloured hoops by the orange crate were set out later in a display as Olympic Rings. See how we combined the two events in our party?

Once everything was ready we were called to stand by the CD player which had been brought out. Power was supplied via 100 foot plus of extension cables. Then came the big moment to open proceedings: the start button was pressed and out boomed The National Anthem on full volume. Once finished, the cry went up, “Get stuck in folks”. That was it – our celebration was now under way: people ate & talked (but not at the same time, of course, being the well-mannered lot that we are!), kids had their faces painted with Union Jacks (that is brushes were used to paint them not the flags), older kids played football. Fortunately, although the sky had looked overcast most of the afternoon, the rain stayed off till much later. It did rain heavily on Sunday as the forecasters had predicted!

A good time was had by all although a few niggles were noted. I expressed a slight concern that The Queen had not turned up despite us “pulling out all the stops”. Part way through proceedings I asked the organiser where he had sited the Port-a-Loo for use by attendees. “There isn’t one!” he chirped merrily. There was nothing for it – I would have to make my way back home. (Mine is 2 houses to the left of the one top left in the picture above so you can see it was quite a trek! I estimated just over 25 metres. Could I make it in time?)

Well soon 7 hours had passed, everyone had enjoyed the bash but now it was tidy up time. As I came out of my house, heading south, I saw someone walking off, eastwards, with my four chairs in his hands. It seems someone had walked off with his so he was taking those. Once I explained that they were mine he gave them to me. However we were puzzled as to how someone else could have walked off with his chairs that they hadn’t brought and that didn’t belong to them. Lots of homes (well the 30 in the close) would need to be searched. I suggested a call to 221b Baker Street – see what I did there? – Homes? Like that other Diamond Jubilee Queen from many years ago, he was not amused!

Getting excited about stuff


Ok, let’s try starting on my list of things I’d like to do.

With it being the Jubilee, I guess I could give ‘getting excited about things’ a go. How does one get excited about a Jubilee? Draw a fake heart tattoo on my arm, of the type grown men get with the word ‘Mum’ in it. But I could write ‘The Queen’ in it instead? Ok, and I could wear something red, white and blue. That might be a bit of a stretch. I don’t know if I have enough clothes washed to get to those three colours in one outfit. I have a red jumper though. Ok, I’ll wear that today. And a blue coat. O and I mustn’t forget to wear all my favourite diamond jewellery today… O… Wait… I don’t have any. Damn. I don’t even have any good plastic children’s jewellery, the type you get in Christmas crackers, you know. The Queen quite often wears yellow dresses doesn’t she? I’ve got a yellow dress. I’ll wear that. With my red jumper.

Erm, I could take a ride on the Jubilee line on the underground. Actually I’m going to visit friends later so I do need to go across London, but not on the Jubilee line. Maybe I could detour to take in the Jubilee line?

Oo! I could get that lovely crown I keep stored away in the loft and wear it all day? Or my robe? And I could use a lovely RP accent (received pronunciation, for all you commoners who don’t know what that means), and I could take an interest in India and Australia. And the Falklands, one must remember the Falklands, mustn’t one? And one could curl one’s hair and dye it grey and wave in a regal manner to all the little people. And give speeches about England….

Perhaps I’ll save that for another day.

If there were a street party on my road (I’m too lazy to go any further) and I wasn’t working today, then I could do that. There isn’t a street party though. And I am working.

Ok, I’m ready, in my not very spectacular way, to be excited about something! This is revolutionary in my world. I have my yellow dress, my red jumper, my blue coat and I am going to take a ride on the Jubilee line. Wish me luck! (I’d better leave my crown and robe at home though, cause I might get them a bit dirty at work.)