Hot dogs, Spam and packet mixes

It’s Chat time again, everyone! These Chat days are my favourite blogging days. And there is much to love in this week’s magazine.

We start with a picture of a wet owl. The caption goes “You’ve heard of the Angry Birds game, well here’s an outraged owl!” The words “Too wet to woo!” are also mentioned. I imagine you’re thinking, what does she mean, ‘there’s a picture of a wet owl’? It turns out, that’s how random Chat is. They just have pictures of wet owls. Look.

Next up, a lady with a serious face does various poses holding phones or pointing at stuff or crossing her arms and tells a story about her boyfriend cheating on her and how she caught him. The pictures really are the best thing about the story. Check them out.

Now, we’ve just got to check out the Top Tips page because there is some amazing stuff here. The first one is ‘Put necklace beads on top of the soil in a potted plant.’ It’s that simple. Want to see what it would look like? Prepare to be amazed.

Amazed? No, me neither.

Next up, put a tea towel over a tennis racket and use it as a tray for your breakfast. Have a look.

And lastly, if you’ve got packet mixes or tubes, put them into a plastic container. Yep, that’s as complicated as it gets. Put your stuff into a plastic container. Why, thank you, Lucy Travell of Gloucester, I’ve been wondering for years what to do with all my packet mixes and tubes.

O wait, I don’t use packet mixes.

Cause they’re gross.

If we flip to page 31, we’ve got the infamous Bit On The Side section, in which we are given a little simple recipe. My favourite previous recipe was mushrooms on toast. That’s the kind of thing we’re dealing with here. And what might it be this week, you’re thinking, aren’t you?

No, your eyes are not deceiving you, that really is a recipe for hot dog spaghetti. And the instructions specifically tell me that in step 3 of the recipe, I must ‘thickly slice a pack of Jungle Dogs 6 Pork Hot Dogs.’ Was there ever a worse sentence in the English language? (Except perhaps ‘Fry the frozen chips in the lard.’)

The Bit On The Side on the following page has a picture of a tub of Spam Chopped Pork and Ham. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Spam. The caption says “We love Spam – and now it comes in a new lightweight plastic container.” Do we? Do we love Spam? One of the worse violations of food to ever exist. Spam. Do we love it? Do we love filling our bodies with processed crap? Do we enjoy foods more only when they have minimal nutritional value? We? Really?

Lastly, a pretty amusing story about a lady who had some chutney in her fridge which exploded and absolutely wrecked her kitchen! I liked that story. The lesson? Cover it with clingfilm so it doesn’t react with the air and cause a build up of methane.

So, actually, I’ve learned something here today. I hope you have too.

Spilling some of my trade secrets

Today, I am taking a big step. I am sharing a closely guarded secret with you all. The recipes for my banana bread and my cranberry, pecans and white chocolate flapjacks. This is not something I share easily but I feel we are at that stage in our relationship now where I can trust you all with it.

These are my most successful recipes in my repertoire and get more requests than the others. So here goes.

Banana bread
150g butter and 80ml of butter milk OR 150ml double cream
225g sugar (soft brown works best)
2 eggs
4 bananas (it’s not an exact science though, it can be as few as 2 or as many as 6)
Vanilla extract
285g plain flour (00 flour will make your bread really soft)
Salt
1.5 tbsp bicarbonate of soda
Drinking chocolate powder

Ok, so I’m setting it down on paper here but it’s not something you should feel restricted by. It’s all quite flexible.

First, turn the oven to 150 degrees.

If you’re using butter, put it in a mixing bowl with sugar and cream it together. If the butter is at room temperature, it will be far easier.

If you are using double cream instead, put it in a mixing bowl and whisk until it is starting to form lumps. This is the point at which it is starting to turn into butter. By staying at this pre-butter stage, your banana bread will take on a totally different texture, much lighter and softer. Add the sugar to this and mix. We’re now at the same stage, whether we’ve used butter or cream.

Next, add the 2 eggs and mix until fully incorporated.

Next put your bananas on top of everything. Take a potato masher and mash the bananas into the mixture. If you prefer to mash the bananas in a separate bowl and add them to your main bowl, you can. But there are more dishes to wash if you do it that way.

If you are using butter instead of double cream, you will need to add your buttermilk here. Add the vanilla extract at this stage as well. I just splash it in. It’s probably 1 tbsp. (Making your own vanilla extract will give it a nicer taste. Just stick some vanilla pods in a bottle of vodka and leave it for 3 months. Simple.)

Next add the flour. This is kind of flexible too. I’ve used every random combination of bits and bobs of flour when I’ve not had the right one in the cupboard and it always works. Last time I used half 00 flour and half wholemeal and I got really good feedback. The only thing I would say is don’t use self raising, as we’re going to add bicarb soon.

If you want to sift your flour through a sieve, you can. I’ve done it sifted and unsifted and I don’t think it makes a difference. Plus, there are more things to wash if you sift it.

Add your salt and bicarb. I just usually grab a pinch of flaky salt and grind between my fingers as I sprinkle it in. When adding the chocolate powder, it’s what you prefer really. It’s not a chocolate flavoured cake. It’s just to add a little something in the background. You want a tablespoon full at the most, I think.

Once it’s all definitely mixed in, grease a loaf tin and line it with greaseproof paper. The paper’s not urgent but if the banana bread decides it wants to stick to the bottom, it will break when you shake it out.

Put the mixture in the tin and put it in the middle of the oven for an hour and a half ish.

Then lick the bowl clean.

Test by putting a knife/skewer into the middle and if it comes out clean, it’s done. Don’t stick too closely to the time. If you see after an hour, it looks done, do the knife/skewer test. Or you might have to leave it longer. If you make it a few times, you’ll learn how it’s supposed to look and go by that.

Leave to cool completely before turning out.

Da dahhh! A banana bread!

Cranberry, pecan and white chocolate flapjacks

150g butter
125g sugar
2 tbsp golden syrup
275g oats
White chocolate
Cranberries
Pecans

Melt the butter in a saucepan with the sugar and golden syrup. Depending on how you like your flapjacks to be, add more or less than the amount I’ve stated for the golden syrup. If you like it stickier, use more golden syrup. If you like it crumbly, add a bit less. I tend to add more as it sticks everything together better and cuts into neater pieces.

When melted, take off the heat and add the oats and a few squares of white chocolate. Mix together. Then add the cranberries and pecans. Again, it’s about personal preference. Add loads or a few, it’s up to you.

Mix well and put the whole mixture into a greased baking tray.

Bake on about 160 degrees for 30-40 minutes, depending on how well done you like your flapjacks.

When you take it out, put it somewhere to cool and grate the rest of your white chocolate over the flapjack. It will melt very quickly. Take a spoon or a palette knife and spread it around evenly. Wait until completely cool before cutting into bars.

Done!

This recipe works with pretty much any flavour combination. You could add different nuts, different fruit, different chocolate. Lightly roasting loads of different nuts and adding them for a plain nutty flapjack is also amazing.

Ok, people. Go into your kitchens and bring forth cakes and flapjacks fit for royalty! (Obviously crediting me while you’re at it.)

And remember, always lick the bowl afterward. And always make sure there is little washing up afterward. You don’t have time for washing dishes, you need to be eating your creations.

M is for…

MARSHMALLOWS!

This was a very nerve-wracking experience for me so I thought I’d do another ‘What runs through my head when I’m…’ about it.

Ok, marshmallows! I’m going to make marshmallows! This will be amazing! Marshmallows. I can’t wait. Ok, the recipe. Nervous! Nervous! Ok, concentrate.

Sugar and water in a saucepan. Heat it to 216 degrees! What?! That’s so hot. Ok, jam thermometer, in it goes. In the meantime, whisk egg whites. I’d better do that now! Quickly before the sugar heats up! O goodness, it’s a race against time. Crack the eggs in, whip them up, ok, phew, done.

The. Sugar. Is. Taking. Ages. It’s been forever. The egg whites are settling a bit. Should’ve done them later. Why is it taking so long to heat up? O, wait a minute, the end of the thermometer has been touching the bottom of the pan, not the liquid! O no, I think I may have overheated it?! Quick quick! Get whisking the egg whites, pour in the sugar syrup. I think I burned it. Great. I think it’s burned. What do I do? I’ve just wasted all that sugar and those eggs now. Right, just keep going and see what happens.

It’s definitely burned.

Whisk, whisk, whisk. Dammit. Omygoodness, everything in the bowl just suddenly mixed together and swelled up and became one huge marshmallow! One huge bowl-shaped marshmallow. Amazing. I still think it’s burnt, I’ll just keep going and see if you can taste it after they’ve set.

Put half in a baking tray. Roll raspberries in icing sugar and cornflour and dot them over the marshmallow mixture. Other half of the marshmallow mix on top. O no, it’s sticking and the raspberries are going all over the place. Never mind. Just splodge it all on and hope it settles. Leave it for an hour and a half to set now.

Ok, hour and a half up. I’m definitely nervous again. Let me just turn it out of the tray. It’s stuck!! It’s stuck. I have the tray upside down and I am shaking it around like crazy. It’s stuck. Hmm. Calm down, calm down. Think. Spatula, slide round the edges, help it a little bit. Phew, it’s coming out, in one piece. A miracle! Loads and loads of icing sugar and cornflour and it’s sticking to me and to everything in sight.

Ok, breathe, calm. Cut into squares. Icing sugar. Cornflour. It doesn’t look burnt. I still think it might be. Taste one. O thank goodness! Not burnt. I knew it’d be fine. I knew all along. Phew. Need to get a second opinion. I wonder if any of my neighbours are in. Fill tupperware with marshmallows and find friends to get an opinion from.

That was fun. I think I’ll do some more soon.