Posts Tagged ‘spiritual section’

Life! Death! Prizes!

Ok, here it is finally, the next look into Chat magazine. I’ve found some good highlights for you all so get ready. The little slogan on the front says “Life! Death! Prizes!” so you justknow it’s going to be good. Probably after this, you’ll take out a subscription to the magazine. Probably.

The first mental story is found inside the back page and is about a woman who hit her head in the bath and then thought she was Elvis. She bought a ‘white, studded jumpsuit’ and started travelling around the world in the outfit, calling herself Telvis. The photos show her in the jumpsuit and a quiff, on a camel or by a castle or surfing.
Eventually her boyfriend cleared off, telling her “If you go away again to pretend to be Elvis, then it’s over.” As heartbreaking as it was for her, she knew what she had to do, she chose Telvis. She has travelled the world as Telvis, and the locals love it apparently. I probably would, if I saw her. But definitely not because I thought she was way cool and wanted to be like her. She consoles herself by saying that she hopes she’ll find a man who loves Telvis too. Unbelievable.

Now to the letters page. A woman writes in to say she had a one-night stand with someone but already has a boyfriend. Now she’s got a real dilemma because “I can’t believe two gorgeous men want me. How do I choose between two hunks?” Nonsense. She loves it. She gets a bit of a telling off from Auntie Ingrid, (who answers the letters) who berates her for “letting flattery loosen her knicker elastic”!

The spiritual section next and a woman with a haunted statue. She buys the statue in a charity shop and ‘things’ start happening around the house. The best of these is when her eldest son told her, “There’s a black thing in my room, I thought it was a spider, but it’s morphed into an orb.” Great. An orb. It’s morphed into an orb. I don’t even know where to start with that.
Her kids are all telling her to get rid of the statue because they’re terrified. “Never!” she vows. Why not? Because she is “a woman possessed – literally.”

The health pages feature a woman who says she has bad teeth and awful breath but is scared of the dentist. The reply from Dr Martin? Go to the dentist.

I won’t even mention the in-depth story about the ‘pubic lipo’.

So there you have it. A good read or what?

And now a little follow up from yesterday’s blog, my Dad said a friend of his was in a karaoke bar and one of the other people there told him he was going to sing “I’m a genie.” Any guesses? It’s not Christina Aguilera, if that’s what you were thinking. No, it turned out to be John Lennon’s “Imagine”.

Lucky? Really?

Lucky? Really?

Ok, so I can’t promise that my blogs are going to be especially high brow. My excuse is that my degree is full of serious things so I should be allowed time off for frivolity. Today’s thoughts are very much frivolous.
I often imagine what I’d say to people I read about, I imagine the conversation which may arise. This happened today as I was nonchalantly flicking through this week’s Chat magazine (right, don’t mock, there’s some real gems in there, as you will see). I was in the ‘spiritual’ section, and there is a photo of a key and a small caption, instructing me to put my finger on the key. As evidence that this is a good thing to do, there are little stories about what has happened to previous people who’ve touched the key. One woman says she tripped while running and almost broke her ankle, fortunately it was just a sprain. ‘Phew!’ says the woman.
I’m sorry! Phew? She said ‘Phew’? She touched the key then fell over and sprained her ankle and said ‘Phew’? And this is considered good evidence that I should follow suit? “What are you talking about?” I imagine myself saying to her. “What are you actuallytalking about? One of two things is going on here. Either, the key is a load of bollocks and you just fell over. No connection. In other words, it’s just a picture of a key. Or, the key works and once you touched it, you sustained a relatively serious injury. You probably couldn’t walk on it for a few days? Or maybe you just had to wear a big bandage and hobble? As you were hobbling onto the bus, say, to get to work, there’s no seats so you have to stand on the painful ankle, you’re wincing, everything hurts, you just want to sit down… did you then think, I’m so glad I touched that key because what luck I’ve had!”
The ‘lucky’ label, that’s another thing I puzzle over. “O, that was lucky” people say, when avoiding potential disaster. Was it? Was almost dying ‘lucky’? Maybe my standards are set too high, but ‘luck’ in my world is something a bit different, winning the lottery might be lucky, or a great job opportunity that you’ve happened upon by accident, or all the lights being on green when you’re in a rush.
Deciding to go by bike instead of the tube for once, and then the tube being blown up by terrorists, is not ‘lucky’ as such, is it? If someone read your life story and saw that one day the tube you took was blown up by terrorists and you had decided not to take it that day, they’d think you’d had a narrow escape, surely? Not that you were ‘lucky’?
Maybe I need to look up the dictionary definition of lucky? Or maybe I need to take figures of speech as they come, not think about why we say things that aren’t really the case.
Another day I’ll share my thoughts on the expression “I’m afraid….” as in “I’m afraid I don’t have any change for a £20.” (The main arguments in this case are that I feel no fear at all, and why should I? I’m just telling a customer I don’t have any pound coins left?)