My favourite Narnia quotes

“By gum,” said Digory, “don’t I just wish I was big enough to punch your head!” (The Magician’s Nephew)

“Blast and botheration!” exclaimed Digory. (The Magician’s Nephew)

“That’s all you know,” Digory said to Polly. “It’s because you’re a girl. Girls never want to know anything but gossip and rot about people getting engaged.”
“How exactly like a man!” said Polly in a very grown up voice. “And don’t you say I’m just like a woman, or you’ll be a beastly copy-cat.”
“I should never dream of calling a kid like you a woman,” said Digory loftily.
“Oh, I’m a kid am I?” said Polly who was now in a real rage. “I’ve had enough of you, you beastly, stuck-up obstinate pig!” (The Magician’s Nephew)

“Perhaps I may keep the handkerchief?” said he.
“Rather!” said Lucy. (The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe)

“Well, of all the poisonous little beasts -” said Peter, then said no more.
“I’ll pay you all out for this, you pack of stuck-up, self satisfied prigs.” Edmund was saying to himself. (The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe)

Giants of any sort are now so rare in England and so few giants are good-tempered that ten to one you have never seen a giant when his face is beaming. It’s a sight well worth looking at. (The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe)

“I hope you’ve been quite comfortable,” said Aravis.
“Never better stabled in my life,” said Bree. “But if the husband of that tittering Tarkheena friend of yours is paying his head groom to get the best oats, then I think the head groom is cheating him.” (The Horse And His Boy)

“By Jove!” said Peter. “This is good enough.” (Prince Caspian)

“Well, I’m – I’m jiggered,” said Peter. (Prince Caspian)

“Great Scott!” said Edmund (Prince Caspian)

“Oh bother, bother, bother,” said Susan. (Prince Caspian)

“Why, you silly,” said Peter (who had become strangely excited). (Prince Caspian)

“That’s all right, lass,” said Trumpkin with a chuckle. “A jibe won’t raise a blister.” (Prince Caspian)

“There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. His parents called him Eustace Clarence and his masters called him Scrubb. I can’t tell you how his friends spoke to him, for he had none. He called his father and mother Harold and Alberta. They were very up-to-date and advanced people. They were vegetarians, non-smokers and tee-totallers and wore a special kind of underclothes. Eustace Clarence liked animals, especially beetles, if they were dead and pinned in a card. He liked books if they had pictures of fat foreign children doing exercises in model schools.” (The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader)

“We thought the King’s Majesty would have married the Duke’s daughter but nothing came of that -”
“Squints and has freckles,” said Caspian.
“Oh, poor girl,” said Lucy. (The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader)

After that, the Dwarf touched up his donkey and it set off towards the castle at something between a trot and a waddle (it was a very fat little beast). (The Silver Chair)

“Little Swine,” shrieked Eustace, dancing in his rage. “Dirty, filthy, treacherous little brutes,” (The Last Battle)

Why I would be no good in Narnia

I definitely wouldn’t have gone that far into the wardrobe, for starters. There’s nothing Lucy likes so much as the feel of fur, we are told. So she climbs in the wardrobe and gets in among the fur coats, pushing her way further in so she can feel the furry goodness all around her. I, on the other hand, am not so passionate about fur. I might have stuck my hand or arm in for a second or two, then left. I certainly would not have physically climbed into the wardrobe.

I’m not that keen on Turkish Delight. Don’t get me wrong. Turkish Delight is fine and nice in its own way but I definitely wouldn’t have gone to the extremes that Edmund did to get some more.

I don’t say “Blast and botheration” enough. Digory, in The Magician’s Nephew says this line fairly near the start of the adventure, at a point where I would have said something like, “This sucks,” which I don’t think is child-friendly reading.

Even if I had gotten all the way into Narnia, I probably would have explained it away by saying I must have found my way outside in a freak snowstorm and never gone back.

Instead of going off to find Aslan and make friends, I probably would have concluded that lions are not the safest creatures to have as friends and stayed home, leaving everyone else to the adventures.

I don’t eat enough large spreads of bread, butter, freshly caught fish, currant buns and tea, made for me by woodland creatures. I much prefer something beautiful and dainty and, so far as I know, no-one in Narnia has been awarded a Michelin star yet. You probably can’t even get truffles.

Susan would annoy me too much. She’s always moaning.

Once inside the wardrobe and having found Narnia, I would have had to nip back to this world to get a book to read and probably would never have got back in again.

If I’d have found Aslan and he’d said I had to fight a battle against the baddies, I probably would have insisted he got the army in to do it and pottered off to the castle to wait for a text message to say they’d won.

When crowned, I would have requested that I be called Laura The Abominable Snow-woman, just for fun, which would have annoyed serious Peter and boring Susan, I think.

There aren’t enough mentions of cups of tea in Narnia.