A tiny little face on a great big head

It’s Chat time, everyone! What else do I write this blog for if not for the Chat updates? We all know the standard first page nonsense by now, right? Theres always a picture of an animal, for no apparent reason. This week it’s a fox cub.

No reason. Just a fox. Actually, one of the letters on the letters page is from a woman who says, “Thank you for the captivating photo of George the guide dog puppy, named after our new young prince.” George was another of the animal photos randomly stuck in the front page. I have looked at the photo of George the guide dog puppy and, while he is small and cute, I wouldn’t necessarily describe him as ‘captivating’. Anyway, the chat readers love the odd animal pics so who am I to poke fun?

Next, the personal-photos-that-hold-no-interest-for-anyone-else page. First up, a baby in a ball pool.

Next, a dog in a hat.

And finally, the photo I showed Danda because of the uncomfortable look on the woman’s face and he went, “Urgh!” I was like, “Why did you say urgh?” And he went, “Well, she’s got a little tiny face on a great big head. It’s wierd. Urgh.”

It is a bit wierd, right?

The next brilliant thing in Chat this week is a letter on the health pages. Have a read.

Ok, Tianna, 24, you’ve probably been getting a period for over a decade, haven’t you? And you’ve genuinely no idea how to do anything about the time it starts/stops? Do you live in a cave?

Next, a bit of nutritional advice.

Hey, all you dieters! Struggling with your weight? Can’t work out why the pounds aren’t shifting? Well, you can stop all your worrying. The answer has arrived! Eat chocolate biscuits instead of Danish pastries! Shun those vegetables and that exercise regime you’ve been trying to stick to. Certainly don’t cut out the sweets and biscuits! O no! Keep eating fatty crap, just be selective about exactly what fatty crap you’re eating and the pounds will drop off! Thank the lord for Chat. Where would our waistlines be without it?

And now, after this onslaught of amazingness, I’m just going to quickly run through the names mentioned in Chat this week.

Brandon Kevan
Lennon and Sonny (twins)
Finley Iles
Mac
Minnie Power
Kira
Tats (yep, that’s a name, apparently)
Suli Binnion (anyone else thinking bunion?)
Majella
Brogan

Lastly, there’s the guy who got loads of tattoos and renamed himself King Body Art. I have no words. No words.

I’m going to finish with a bit of financial advice today. Chat must have an advertising thing with Quidco cause they mention it a lot. Check this out.

Well, that sounds good, doesn’t it? £1000 in five years. Well! That’s brilliant. Cause it’s £200 every year. That’s at least £16.50 a month! Amazing! Tell me where to sign up! I can start saving for that trip back to Africa I’ve been planning. It’s a few grand so I’ll have it saved in about 15 years. I’ll be there in no time at all!

Diary of a desperate student

Now, I’m quite a strong willed person. I can put my mind to most things and can be strict with myself when necessary. The fact that I get up at 4.30am when I don’t need to attests to this fact. The following is a diary of what a law degree can do to a person in just one day.

07:40 – Woke up. Felt ok. Did twenty minutes of yoga and got ready for my day.

08:05 – Went to the deli in my pyjamas to collect some ripe bananas to make banana bread with. Decide to do it tomorrow. Today I will be focussed and will become the master of Land Law!

08:20 – Had some breakfast. Arranged my notes into a neat pile. Read over the notes I made yesterday.

09:00 – Did the dishes.

09:30 – Put the dishes away.

10:00 – Read over my notes again.

10:45 – Sat down with a question from last year’s exam paper about mortgages. Set myself an hour and got writing. Started out well. Felt good.

11:15 – Got disheartened when I didn’t really know how to move forward with the question. Got up to make a cup of tea. Checked Facebook. Ate a few Ryvita whilst in the kitchen.

11.30 – More Ryvita. More despair.

11.50 – Straightened my hair.

12:00 – More Ryvita.

12:20 – Finally finished all I could on the question on mortgages. The last bit had confused me so I didn’t attempt it. I thought I’d listen to the online lecture to see how to do it. Listened to the whole thing, only needing the end. Four minutes from the end, while finally addressing the bit I needed help on, it stopped, for no discernible reason. I became depressed and went to make tea. I found some hazelnuts and almonds whilst there and ate them all.

12:40 – Started a practise question on freehold covenants and felt overwhelmed just ten minutes in. Found the online lecture instead and figured I’d take extensive notes and try again later. I find the lecture and immediately tune out and start looking for things to buy on Amazon. Ate some dried figs and pecans from the kitchen.

13:00 – WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I HAVE EXAMS IN THREE DAYS! CONCENTRATE, LAURA!

13:01 – My concentration is broken by a large fly. I chase it around for ten minutes and eventually kill it with a study book. Also ate a yoghurt.

13:20 – I debate whether to get dressed.

13:21 – I decide against it. I eat a muffin instead.

13:30 – Finished the Ryvita. Found some walnuts and finished them too.

14:10 – Took up coffee drinking, which has never happened in my entire life.

14:25 – Made eggs and bacon and more coffee.

14:50 – Drew fake tattoos on my hands and legs for fun. Mostly pictures of catterponies galloping through forests. Ate some sunflower seeds and a muffin.

15:03 – Laughed because the lecturer said ‘argubably’ by mistake.

15:10 – Tuned in briefly to the online lecture which was running and heard him say something about ‘Prunella’s cows’ and realised, with amazement, that I hadn’t a clue what he was talking about.

15:30 – Something clicks, I sit down with some cases to read and a highlighter and suddenly my concentration arrives out of the blue and, with the help of two cups of coffee and nine cups of tea, stays with me for a few hours.

16:50 – My hand/eye co-ordination fails me as there isn’t room for it to continue operating whilst my brain is attempting to remember everything. I spill tea down my front and all over my leg and textbook.

17:25 – Still reading and highlighting. Have now eaten all the goji berries and pumpkin seeds.

18:00 – It was around this time that I lost the ability to spell or write legibly.

20:45 – Finally finished reading cases and had a barbecue to celebrate…

21:00 – Enjoyment guilt set in and I picked up my case book and kept reading til 22:45.

Vital stats from my day.

Amount of hot drinks I consumed = 21.

Amount of water I drank = approx. 2.5 litres.

Amount of ingredients I have left to put in cakes = 0

Amount of food left in the fridge = a few strawberries, blueberries and a jar of marmalade.

Amount of weight I estimate I put on = half a stone, easily.

Amount of times I checked Facebook = approx. 4000

Amount of times I checked my emails = approx 200

Percentage of time I spent despairing = 50%

Percentage of time I spent feeling ready for exams = 50%

POINTS TO NOTE –

1. I did not change out of my pyjamas all day.

2. I caught sight of myself in the mirror before I went to bed and I looked pretty rough.

3. I created 41 possible alternative careers for myself during this revision day.