Keep your knickers on, Dave

Andy Murray won the tennis. Yes, he did. He won it. Well done, old chap. Good, ho. And all that. You’re jolly good at tennis.

Britons are excited about this fact. Because Tim Henman didn’t really impress, did he? But now Andy has. And, my goodness, are we excited?!

You know who else is excited? David Cameron. O yes. He is very excited about Andy winning the tennis.

“O, Andy. I worship the ground you walk on. What fantastic tennis you play. I love your tennis playing abilities.”

“Wow. Thanks David.”

“You know what Andy? I’m going to give you a knighthood. I want to give you a knighthood. My goodness, you sooo need one of those. I’d go so far as to say that there is no-one as deserving as you, Lord Andy.”

Ok, so I have paraphrased a little here. But the direct quote from the news reports seems to be that he said, “there is no-one as deserving” as Andy Murray for a knighthood.

I’m just going to take a step outside of this madness and ask what the heck is going on here?

Honestly, now?! No-one as deserving?! For a knighthood?!

Whilst not undermining what has been achieved, we need to contextualise here. He’s playing a sport that he’s clearly very good at. And getting paid for it. Yes. Millions of pounds. He’s loaded. He made money by winning Wimbledon. Lots and lots of it.

It wasn’t a charity mission. He wasn’t playing tennis to win the Tibetans their independence. He didn’t donate his funds to an orphanage in India or use the occasion to highlight the problem of deforestation in the Amazon.

In fact, for people who get to the top in sports like that, there’s often a large amount of self-focussed living. You play sport, you go to other countries to train better, your relationships suffer. Your attention is on yourself and improving in your sport. It is not a charitable way to make a living.

No-one more deserving?

Like doctors? Teachers? Firemen? I saw a documentary the other day about firemen who work in the Amazon and that shit was serious. They work relentlessly, hours and hours for days to put out forest fires and stop people getting injured or losing their land. Um. Ambulance men and women. They’re pretty high up there for me. They work tirelessly, often for low pay and never get any recognition for their work.

Is Andy Murray really more deserving than these people? Good on him for winning Wimbledon but let’s not get carried away here. He’s good at a sport and he won a competition to be the best in it.

Keep your knickers on, Dave.

My feelings about the Olympics

The months prior to the Olympics

O, the Olympics are coming. That’s nice. I’m not that interested in them though.

 

The week before the Olympics

The Olympics are soon. I guess I’ll see the torch as it’s going to be near my house. That might be interesting.

 

The day the torch passed

I’m here nice and early. This will be nice, seeing the torch. Not that ‘excited’, as such. It will be nice though. Waiting. Waiting. I wish that tall man in front of me would crouch down or something. Is this it?! No, it’s the convoy…. This?! No, more motorbikes and buses. Lots of people dressed in blue dancing about as though they’re at an exercise class. Wait a minute! The torch is coming! THE TORCH IS COMING! I WANT TO SEE! ME! ME! THERE IT IS! I CAN SEE IT! THIS IS SOOOO EXCITING! I’M SO EXCITED! O, there it goes. That was brief. Feel a bit emotional.

 

The day of the women’s cycling

Oo, I’ve got a day off. This will be nice. I’ll go and watch the women’s cycling. Ok, go and hang out with a sporty friend and some of his other sporty friends. Watching the race on TV. It’s quite gripping actually. Come on, ladies! Come on! Cycle faster! Ok, they’re getting close to us. Let’s go and watch them pass by then run back and watch them finish on TV. Off we go. O, there are more people than I thought there’d be. And there’s thunder and loads of rain. Right, found a good spot. Phone camera at the ready. The phone’s getting wet, o no! Stick it under these people’s umbrella. They look mildly annoyed that I have my phone under their umbrella. O well. There’s nothing I can do about it. I need to get a photo. Waiting. Waiting. Their umbrella is directing a stream of rain right down onto my head, over my eyes, down my t-shirt and onto my left shoes. I’m slowly getting drenched. But there are more important things to focus on here. Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY? O! Here they are! No, wait. It’s a policeman on a motorbike. Wait a minute. I can hear screams up ahead. They must be coming. Phone ready! A streak of colour! There they are. Click!

Little pause. Then some more coming. Click!

Ok, off we go back to the house to catch them finishing the race. We need to run if we’re going to make it. Wait a minute, Laura does not run. I DO NOW!! GO! GO! GO! My legs are hurting a bit. I’m a bit breathless. IT DOESN’T MATTER! KEEP RUNNING! RUN! RUN! RUN! OW! LEGS! OW! LUNGS! RUUUUUN! Made it. Can’t breathe. TV on! Woooooo! We got silver! WOOP! WOOP! I LOVE THE OLYMPICS.

The past week

Oo, there’s more Olympics on the TV. This is amazing. I love watching the Olympics. It’s so exciting. I’ve never watched discus so closely and been so enthralled by it. I can’t wait to go and watch the triathlon on Wednesday. Wait a minute…. It’s Tuesday… So why is BBC News telling me that the triathlon has been won by a British guy? I’m going to see it tomorrow! Aren’t I? Omygoodness. It’s not tomorrow, it’s today. And I had a day off. And I could have seen it. And I missed it. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more gutted in my entire life. I want to see the Olympics. I WANT TO SEE THEM! NOW! ME! I’VE GOT TO GET TICKETS! Ok, online, check ticket availability. Tickets for diving. In shopping basket. Click ‘request tickets.’ No tickets left! NO! NO! NO! I WANT THEM! I WANT TO SEE OLYMPICS! I WANT TO SEE THE OLYMPICS MORE THAN I WANTED A MONKEY WHEN I WAS 11 AND ASKED FOR ONE FOR MY BIRTHDAY. And I wanted that pretty badly. THIS IS MORE! I WANT TICKETS TO THE OLYMPICS. I NEEEEED TICKETS. How about the Paralympics? Those would be good too. In fact, they’d be amazing. Think how much more impressive it would be. Tickets to wheelchair basketball. Request….. NO TICKETS! Damn. Ok. Try requesting tickets for the tennis…. Nothing. Cycling?…. No. I’LL CRY IF THIS KEEPS GOING! I’LL CRY! I WANT TICKETS! I WANT THEM! Try swimming…. Wait four minutes, it’s telling me. I don’t want to. I want them now! Wait…. wait….. YESSSSSSS! GOT A TICKET! YESSSS! Paralympic men’s swimming, here I come! Woooop! Woo! I can’t wait. This is so exciting. It’s so historical and right here in London. I’d be mad not to get involved. I can’t wait. This is the most excited I’ve ever been. EVER.

EVER.